8.14.2015 in Everyday Life

I hate myself. Why can’t I be normal and feel this way!? I am so selfish for asking, “Why me?” But that’s how I feel so I guess that makes me a selfish person. I make everything personal because I can relate to everything. I have the worst kind of faults about me. I’m depressed and it won’t ever get better like everyone says it will. It never will, “Whether you say, ‘I can’ or ‘I can’t,’ your right either way.” -Jordan Belfort. I have PTSD from my abusive childhood. I question what my identity is. I’m ugly, fat, and stupid. I truly feel that way and I don’t think it’ll change. I was homeless, suffered anorexia, had a car accident with a drunk driver, no car and no job. All in one year and that’s not all the craziness.
I ran away. I have no family and no friends to talk to. I just want to find someone I can tell anything to. Somebody I can trust. “You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that. We think so often that we are helpless, but we’re not. We always have the power of our minds…Claim and consciously use your power.” -Louise L. Hay. I wish I could say that I am a strong person but I am weak from life’s hard-throw punches. I am bruised and beaten down by ongoing lies I tell myself. “God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.” Even though I feel like life itself is against me…I always have humor to heal. I laugh a lot because it makes me feel better. When something bad happens, I always yell, “Plot twist” and then laugh. On special occasions I whisper, “I suspect the nargles are behind this.” Laughter cures sadness. I’m a hot mess but now I am happy. I fought hard for my dream. I survived my childhood, went to school, graduated, have adopted my own family and friends, and I feel healthy. I’ll be honest…On occasions I feel low but I realize that I have a special love I want to give EVERYONE in the world. Not a lot of people have that ability and I am proud to say that I do. “We read to know we’re not alone.” -William Nicholson. You’re not alone. End of rant.