It happened entirely by accident. I was not ready for that talk. He certainly had no idea.
The talk went well. There were no angry words. No accusations. Lots of tears. Lots of him genuinely feeling horrible.
The bed frame had been making noise for weeks. It needed to be adjusted. Every time one of us moved it sounded like the bed was going to break. Being tight on money we cannot afford a new bed at the moment. So last night around 630pm - after supper but well before bed on our day off we decided to take the mattress and box off and see what was happening to the frame.
I forgot I stashed all the phone logs there.. and all the saved conversations. He found them when we took the mattress off.
He asked… why do we have phone logs under our bed? I tried to take them out of his hands and said because I do. He said no.. why? So I took a deep breath and asked who are you calling in Macon Ga , regularly, whenever I’m not around? Don’t lie because I know exactly who it is.
He told me her name. That she had contacted him out of the blue and that it was purely a friendship and nothing more. I told him if it was simply that then he would not be hiding his phone, or messages or changing her name to ‘Aaron’ in his phone. or lying to me as to who was calling when. He told me he did that because he didn’t want me to be hurt. I told him right there that if you have to hide who you’re talking to then what am I to think it is? I asked how he would feel if it was me doing the same. We agreed that his behaviour was not the best when communicating with this person.
We discussed how his behaviour made me feel. All the emotions that have been running through. The anger, the sadness, the helplessness. I told him that I don’t care if he talks to other girls but what I don’t like is when the ‘friendship’ crosses that very fine line into an emotional relationship. That friends don’t call each other by terms of endearment and I gave him all sorts of examples of his other female friends that he talks with so he could see my point of view. I game him examples of the male friends that I talk with and how I never call them by terms of enderment. We discussed that I was a hair away from leaving him when I found out. That made him tear up. He said he will not have a friendship cost him our marriage.
He told me that if I wanted him to not talk to her ever again he would stop. He offered that willingly. I did not ask him for it. I told him I don’t want to be that person. But if she does not stop crossing that fine line I will be. We agreed that if it ever came to that then my request would be done. No hesitations. He was truly sorry and felt badly for what I have been going through by myself for the last 4 months. At the moment, I believe him. His behaviour over the next bit will define if this is indeed behind us. We discussed that my trust with him has taken a huge hit - my perception is that he cheated. Whether that be real or not that is my perception and my trust needs time to rebuild.
We agreed that we would be open with each other over when she calls, what was going on and he will show me the text messages when I ask. He will not delete them (he never did). He said he has not spoken to her since July 3. I know this to be true as I check the phone log regularly. I see that she calls and he does not return her calls.
We discussed his fling with her. Not in detail - yet - but it was discussed. The fact that he, at that time, cared so little for me that he decided to have a faulty zipper and fall into her. That he could have easily jeopardised his and my health doing that. That he cared so little for my feelings that he never told me about it and I had to find out by reading it years later. I told him again - I NEVER did that to him while we were dating. Not once. Sure my creepy director tried to get into my pants once, but he was shot down flat. I’ll admit it was flattering but at the same time I have respect for myself, my (at the time) boyfriend, the strength of my relationship and respect for him as my bosses boss. I said again I never will do that to him. I’m a one guy gal. He really didn’t address him having a fling with her. He said to me that we were just dating. She was just engaged. No one was committed in a marriage. I told him that we were serious by time she came around and at the time she WAS married to a military guy. Sure their now divorced and he recently married a pretty lady of Asian decent. That does not mean she gets all lonely and comes running back to you. YOUR off the market relationship wise. I asked why did I even have to find out about it only by seeing it. All he said is that he didn’t think it would matter after all this time. Truth be told I was hurt by finding it out but it was years ago and although I’m hurt by it, it’s not so bad. Sorta like finding out how many partners your spouse had for real when they lied about a much smaller number in the past. It’s shocking but.. meh.. you move on.
He said all the nice things. I’m married to YOU. I care about YOU. I had no idea that being friends with her would hurt you. Then he asked why I would ever think that he would go away from me. Well funny things happen when you die but it does not stick. Maybe I nag him too much for his diet or medicine or going to the doctors or going to the gym. Maybe I was being to “nurse ratchet” and not enough wife. Maybe I was too tired, or fat, or not pretty enough (and I did include into there that I know I’m skinnier and prettier than she is - cammon I had to have ONE dig at her). I said that maybe he wanted to go back to her to see if there was anything there. You know.. new lease on life with no guarantee of being around in 5 to 10 years. Get all the playboy stuff done while ya can sort of things. He told me no. I take care of him the way I’m supposed to and he does not want that to change. That it’s nothing but her reaching out for friendship and he didn’t see a problem with it.
I still want to call her up and call her on all her BS. Let her know that I fully know and that I definitely DO NOT approve. I also want to tell her that it would be super great if she would just back out of our relationship. Clearly she is a home wrecker. Always has been and I don’t have time in my remaining time with my husband to deal with such people. Is that too petty, rude??
I feel ..... relieved but on guard still. I feel silly that I didn’t trust him but at the same time justified in my feelings. The warning flags are now at half mast but they are not gone. They won’t be gone for a long long while.
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