Nothing like getting to bed around 1am .... only to not be able to fall asleep so you move to the sofa where its cooler.. only to be woken up at 330am to get back in the bed as he goes off to work…only to be woken up at 630am by the loudest crack of thunder ever and have the dog trying to eat his way out of his kennel because he’s scared.
Yeah… it’s going to be a long day. Thankfully I don’t work today. My work weeks have been totally messed up by a training schedule. When all is said and done I’ll should be back on my “normal” 4am to 1pm shift the second week of July. Grant you… by then I should also be pretty messed up sleep schedule wise but who needs sleep anyway, right?
At least it’s been a productive day. I’ve called the electric company - twice, scheduled all of his lab appointments in prep for his doctor check up on Thursday. I’ve washed ALL the floors in this HUGE house. 4 pails of dirty water - either the floors were filthy or the house is big. I think it’s both actually. I’ve done the laundry and its drying now. Next up is shower.
No, I’ve not talked to him yet over his TWO “friends”. Yes… two. At this point, I’m thankful that they are both at a distance but if there are TWO - how many more have there been or are there? I’m thankful for the distance because at least he’s not PHYSICALLY with them.
I’ve tried to talk to him no less than 5 times. Each time he’s got something else to do (sleep, fill an order, his mother is near, he won’t stop for two seconds in the parking lot of the store because its too hot out, no walks because it’s too hot) . This no alone time is wearing on our lifestyle. There is no place to talk, no place to say eff this I’m not sharing a bed with you until you get your head out of your ass (remember sweetie - your ass is NOT a hat!), no alone time to argue, no alone time to reconnect with him they way we used to.
He gets alone time with her - sure through texting and phone calls. He gets private time to talk to her about whatever they talk about. Hell they could even be having phone sex for all I know. Me? I get to share my time with him with is mother. Don’t get me wrong she’s super sweet but… The ‘alone’ time I do get is when he’s super exhausted and going to bed. That quick 15 minutes.
While I have her near, and people at work, his family - I’m so very alone. I have no one to go spend a few night couch surfing while he figures out his mess. I just got my job so it’s not like I can take time off work and go anywhere without losing my job (and benefits). I’m basically trapped, not in my country, where all my friends are thousands of miles away, with no one to talk to… :(
He claims he’s got nothing to hide so why lock his stuff up. Sure, I’m game for that. They say the best place to hide something is in plain sight. It’s also the best place to find things when your spidey scene is tingling.
I’m still waffling to be quite honest. I know it’s not my fault. If I do confront him I’ve got nothing to make him stop. I don’t want to leave my job - I can’t go out of the house because I’ve got no where to go. What leverage to I have? Nothing. I’ve got the typical Canadian cliche thing “Stop! Or I’ll say stop again!” We all know how effective that is right?
Once upon a time I thought we were happy. Sure our sex life is nearly non-existent. It really wasn’t there even before I moved here. Heart conditions have a funny way of making things that should work - not work. With no health care, things like that take a back burner until something bad happens (you know you die and need a 4x bypass in order to live). After his surgery its the I’m afraid to touch you, initially. It went away briefly but then came back because he reinjured himself with the move. Hey he still gets touched. Sure it’s not daily like every male on the planet wants but at least it happens. When is the last time he touched me? MONTHS ago. When is the last time I had penetration sex (with the aid of toys - thank God for Bobs!) February. Does that mean I go looking for someone else to connect with? No. Not emotionally… not physically. This is what I knew I was walking into. This is what I signed up for.
With the findings of the last few months I’m wondering why don’t I? I could be having the time of my life sexually… but that would mean I would be stabbing him in the back and I won’t do that.
But it’s ok for him to do it to me - you see how stupid twisted this gets??? Ugh
Maybe I’m too fat - nope she’s heavier than I am. Maybe I’m not pretty anymore. Nope she’s horrible looking. Maybe she’s got a better paying job than I do. Nope she’s been looking for work. WHAT does she have over me? I wish I knew. I may never know.
This week is my dreaded week. I will work Tue to Sat 230pm to 11pm. Completely opposite shift of him. Who wants to make a bet that he calls her for hours on end this week?
I’m so sad that there isn’t a thing I can do about it. Being helpless sucks so very badly. I want to take his phone and smash it into pieces. The same with all the computers in the house. I have NO way to guarantee that he’ll stop. Calling him on his BS will just mean he hides it better.
On other news - we have two fig trees that are loaded with figs. I see lots of fig preserves, jams and baking in the future!
Well time to go drown my tears in the shower. Hey at least I have alone time in there. Just not the alone time I need right now. Yay for clean skin!!
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