I need to get this out, It’s been a long time coming and maybe I’ll find some sense of peace and begin to heal and learn to love myself.
I was bullied. Nearly all my life.
From a young age family members would tell me “Don’t get fat, no one will want you” or “you’re going to look like so-and-so if you keep eating”. In 1st grade I started making myself throw up every day after lunch. I didn’t know what it was (bulimia) I just knew that they said food was why I was getting fat. But it was such a vicious cycle, because at the same time I used food for comfort from being bullied at school. My clothes smelled, my hair was messy, I was shy, wasn’t smart enough. Any reason my peers could think of, I became the target.
It didn’t stop in 1st grade, it continued and we moved a lot so making friends to help shelter me became harder and harder to accomplish and I retreated into myself more and more. The hurtful words from family members didn’t stop. I continued making myself throw up after eating, though it never seemed to make a difference I was still chubby, it just became something I could control. I’d use it as excuses to go home to get away from the bullying. No one ever caught on.
6th grade was probably my best year by far, I had friends we’d lived in the same house for 5 years. I felt some sense of comfort, but was still bullied by everyone and anyone including some teachers.
We moved again when I was in 7th grade, I was so shy that making friends was nearly impossible, but I tried. I was nice and friendly and put myself out there, as soon as people learned what school I transferred from the bullying started. It went from because of the school I came from, to because I was fat, because I was shy, and for any other reason they could think of. One day while walking to do the eye test a girl put gum in my hair, I was torn.. everyone was laughing at me and I was doing everything I could to not burst into tears. I went to my teacher, she sent me to the nurse, and because I was smiling to hide the tears… the nurse told me I could deal with it and sent me back to class.
I spent most of my 7th and 8th grade years in and out of the counselors office trying to fix whatever was wrong with me… whatever made people target me. Even my friends would pick on me to try and fit in with everyone else.
The beginning of 9th grade I vowed to myself I was going to try harder then ever to fit in, and not become a target. It worked well for a while, I made a new best friend she’d just transferred from another school out of state and we hit it off really well. We spent a lot of time together, I made some bad choices to impress her. Drinking,skipping school…and some other stuff. My grades were better then ever I was making A’s and B’s and for once I felt like I could do life. About midway through 9th grade I came out to my bestfriend that I was bi, I’d known since I was about 8 that I liked boys and girls but had no idea what it meant then. She seemed accepting and left it at that. It never got talked about. Between 7th and 8th Grade I’d retreated into the online world, and made a lot of friends. Met a girl I really liked and accepted me for me. Towards the end of 9th grade my bestfriend flipped a switch and outed me to anyone who would listen, all the friends I’d made instantly turned against me, I felt like I had no one…
I retreated further into myself more then I had ever done in the past. I started cutting and the bulimia pretty much took over. I had to have control of something in my life. I kept a diary but after finding out that my Mom had read it I stopped writing in it. I had no source of outlet for everything I was going through. I turned to the people online for comfort, they were my rock, my friends, my strength. But they weren’t there in real life to protect me and lift me up. During this time I met Tara, and she was like a sister to me she never judged me for being fat, or bi, or “stupid”, she just accepted me. Between her and Kevin they kept me sane enough.
10th grade was more of the same, I made a new best friend and attempted to start over. The stares, the whispers, the hurtful words, they never stopped. My best friend was even part of it, I don’t really think she did it on purpose.. but like everyone else was just trying to fit in. I was cutting more then ever, I hated myself. I stopped making myself through up in 11th grade, once I figured out what it was and what damage I could be doing to my body. 11th grade was misery.. I skipped school or didn’t go any chance I got. My grades were awful, and I felt like I had no one. It became so bad that I dropped out in May of my 11th grade year and turned to online schooling. I did eventually get my Diploma.
Through all of High School suicide played on my mind, often. My peers, my teachers, some of my family. Made me feel so low that I wanted to end my own life. The school never did anything about the bullying, they basically just turned a blind eye or joined in.
I’ve learned that I get myself into relationships/friendships with controlling people. People that use words as weapons.. to control to make me feel like I’m little and that I need them no one else could want to be my friend right? My social anxiety is through the roof, I have a horrible time making friends and trusting them. Going out in public is torture, going to birthday parties, or large gatherings with people I don’t know means panic attacks, wanting to run, wanting to cry. I judge myself constantly.
I’ve vowed to start ending the toxic relationships in my life. I will rid myself of my bullies. Family or not, I deserve better, I’m nearly 27 and have dealt with bullying for 21 years… I think enough is enough.
To the people I’m still friends with that I met online as a pre-teen and teenager, thank you for being part of the reason I’m alive today. Thank you for helping me feel like being me wasn’t the end of the world. Thank you Kevin and Tara for being my rocks when I felt like I had no one else to turn to, for loving me and not judging me even through the mistakes I’ve made in life.
While this is only a glimpse at some of the stuff I went through, it changed the person I could have been, but also helped me to be kinder and more understanding. Never wanting to be the person that made others feel how I had felt for so many years.
I want others to realize your words and actions towards others matter. Even if they’re a stranger, a close friend, a family member, coworker, fellow student.. it doesn’t matter. Think before you speak. Would you want your kids to live this life? Teach your children to love and respect everyone for who they are… it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to not fit into a mold. It’s okay to be who you are…
Now I just need to convince myself it’s okay to be me, that I’m enough. I need to start undoing all the negative I let take over my way of thinking and seeing myself. And maybe some day I’ll accomplish it, maybe I wont. But I will teach my kids to be better people, I will build my kids up instead of tearing them down, I will stand up for my kids if they are bullied. They will never ever question if they are loved, wanted and needed on this earth.
-Mindy
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