I’m in it again. The dark. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not entering into some kind of clinical depression, the way this comes on so easily.
What was it this time? Not sure. It started creeping in a few days ago, and then started hitting me hard at the airport, saying goodbye to Heather.
This is what happens: I observe other people interacting with each other, and the egoic inner monologue gets revved up, and it won’t stop.
“Look at the way Dan hugs Hady and Cailtin. He’s so much closer to them than to you. He cares about them more. You’ve spent so much time with him, so why hasn’t he ever invited you over to his house? What are you doing wrong? He’s invited both of them. He probably only talks with you because it’s his job. The only time that you ever see him after all is for your scheduled appointments and set meetings for the program. Roicio (his wife) has always given off the vibe she doesn’t like you. Maybe that’s the reason he doesn’t invite you over. You don’t try hard enough to befriend her. You don’t try hard enough to show love and listen to other people. You’re so self-focused. You only reach out to people when you feel like you need something. Maybe you’re the person that everyone doesn’t really like but only tolerates because you are a part of the community. You aren’t funny and so good at putting people at ease like Caitlin. You aren’t larger than life and always up front like Hady. You’re lazy. Often you feel like you’d rather shut yourself up in your room than make the effort to get to know other people. Do you expect they’ll just come to you? That’s not the way it works. Unless you have a magnetic personality. And it’s clear that you don’t. ”
It goes on and on like this. To the point where the ego thoughts drive me to tears. Self created, self-pitying tears. It’s ridiculous. I feel so stuck. Like I need to work harder to get to know people, to make them like me. Then I feel like that is insane and that people like you or not no matter what you do.
Then sometimes I feel that I am just at a point in my life where I’ve started over so many times, that I just can’t give it that amount of energy anymore. I can’t put forward my best, most engaging, most charming self anymore, because it’s become work. And for that, I’m losing opportunities to form close relationships.
And then I think that maybe, this is just who I am, and that I have to accept it. I have that thing my former terrible boss said to me way back in like 2005 stuck in my head when I’m feeling this way. “I just don’t think you’re dynamic enough to work here.” Maybe she was right.
And then I read back over all of these things and think, “what a fucking drama queen, no wonder I don’t have close friends here.” It’s draining to be around sad people. It’s draining to try and convince someone they are good and worthwhile. And I’ve been on the other side of it, and I know you can’t. I know very well that self-love has to come from within. Which is why I feel so hopeless sometimes. I’m so so so stuck on getting it from the outside. What do I do? I DON’T KNOW. But I want to be different. I want to be happier. I want to feel the deep joy and peace of knowing I’m enough. HOW DO I KNOW? I mean, I know. Like in a sense that everyone is enough–we are all complete beings. But HOW do I REALLY know? Like how do I FEEL it and GRASP it and HOLD ON to it in my daily life when it’s just too much? Do I just have to fake it ‘till I make it?
This is exhausting.
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