Not what you think.
So, it’s 1:00am. It’s only been maybe a couple of weeks since my last entry, but I’m here making another one. I know I’ve made a statement somewhere that I would attempt to write in this thing at least once a day for a few thousand words and see where it goes- but with the stresses of the semester continuing, I’m looking at this like a back burner project.
Yet, I can come back here and vent. And with a couple of weeks having passed, I think I’ve gathered enough material to talk about.
School:
I’m getting a number of hours at work this week (I work at my college). Spring break brings a lot of opportunities to get hours at the job, and I need the money. I met someone in the office that’s about as gung-ho about the comic book business as I am, and it’s quite refreshing to know that I’m not alone in the world.
As for the classes, I’m looking at some of it and I’m quite encouraged by the progress. My communications courses (my major), I feel like I’m improving exponentially. The comic books news keeps coming in, and I feel myself gravitating towards it like a moth to a flame. And I can regurgitate it to the audience like it was a second nature gift of gab. I can talk about it all day, every day without exhaustion. Hence, my camera skills and story-telling skills are also getting better.
As for my other classes- the English and Linguistics courses- I feel I am struggling in. The English class, I think its something due to my negligence. The Linguistics course I’m disappointed because I feel like I should’ve taken the course below that before getting into it. So, for that I feel like I started behind. The English course, I put myself in a bind because of laziness. Yet, with a great deal of effort, I still think I can make a difference in those classes.
Dance:
So, I’m getting stronger. My instructor said I’m finding my center. I’m becoming more stable.
I know I still have a long way to go, from the stuff I’ve seen. Apparently my instructor was one of the dance choreo people from So You Think You Can Dance, season 1. So, I’m a little intimidated. But, I have a determination to get this done. I know I’m not the best dancer out there, but I’m up for the challenge. And here I am, as like a Jazz 1 dancer, doing what is easily a Jazz 2 routine and sweating puddles doing it.
One of my dance partners I went on a date with. I asked her out on a 2nd date, and she shut me down, so I didn’t make a big deal of it. At least to her face I didn’t. On here, this is where I vent. So, I’m here to say it hurt my self-esteem a little. Yeah, I haven’t had much luck in the dating scene, so it’s been quite an ordeal internally. Now, I’ve been given another partner for a routine we’re doing for a film festival.
The thing with dance is, it’s not just about doing the moves. It’s also about selling the emotional content, and being invested in projecting a certain feeling towards the partner or audience while you’re doing it. Then, it becomes more than just movement- it becomes art in motion. With that, I’m dancing with a beautiful woman that I’m supposed to pretend that I have a deep emotional connection with. The problem with me is, sometimes the line gets crossed between pretend and reality, and I get confused. I think I’m enamored with the person, and the connection becomes too real.
Meanwhile, I went to a party with dancers I used to know. Yeah, I talked so some guys I knew, but it felt like it had been years since I saw them all last. It was like I had dropped off the face of the planet and come in like a stranger. and guys that came in to the party who were strangers to me came in like they were familiar friends to them. They’ve moved on. I felt alone at the party, even though it was a bunch of people I once related to.
So, I got an invite to an underwear only party. I declined.
The Time in Between:
I’m on this thing tonight, a website where you can talk to women in a chatroom setting. However, you can drop money and they do things for you and whatnot. So, fresh from that rejection previously mentioned, I start chatting, and I drop coin. Real cash. Not for tit or ass shots like most of the pervs that go on there (don’t get me wrong, I do have my perverted proclivities); but because I wanted to talk with her. I wanted a beautiful woman to pay attention to me. And for the time, the 3 or 4 minutes she acknowledged me, I was glad. I was into it.
Then she left.
I’m looking at my card in my wallet, and it finally hits me that I dropped real dollars for a woman to talk to me over a webcam. And she didn’t even get to see me. I felt low, and somehow believed myself to have hit the bottom. To me, it was worse than going to a strip club- because at least the flesh was there to talk to, as they were rubbing up against you. This was something else. It was over a distance communicated through wires and an LCD screen.
I figured that my communications had become so superficial with people. Like I had become irrelevant. No one was interested in what I had to say, and the conversation was going elsewhere while I was trying to make something of myself in this world.
It was rough for a little bit there. I had resolved within myself to vent it out. Yet, I figured to do it in an environment of people that were of a like mind. dirtypenpals as they call it. so, there i was, venting my guilt over a moment of weakness, and these dudes, with probably a longer list of failures in their own lives, were giving some decent advice regarding my situation. Funny, but decent.
In the Meantime:
Maybe I should rename this from “The Daily” to “The Every Once in a While”?
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