I must be premenstrual today, because I feel like a depressed waste of space... my anxiety's been riding high lately too. John took me to yoga yesterday because it was Veteran's Day and the banks were closed, and we had to do some really lengthy meditation/relaxation. Halfway through it triggered a major anxiety attack. Ugh. I guess it was too much stillness for me... I also freaked out in the car all the way to the cinema on Sunday. Why? The car is much noisier right now and it freaked me out to drive on the highway with all that racket. I was okay as soon as we got off the highway and the noise went away.
I asked what you're supposed to do if you're disabled and you've never been able to work to get enough credits to get disability in the US, and somebody suggested SSI. So I looked it up. Ugh again. The HOUSEHOLD monthly income limit is just a hair over one thousand dollars. So we can forget that... if it ever came to the point where I'd qualify financially, we'd be starving in the gutter long before I was approved. I hate being so useless... John knew I was a liability when he asked me to marry him, and he knew I'd never be able to work, but I hate it anyway... I'm going to be a big fat useless burden on him forever. Now his back's hurting all the time, I feel even worse about it. He's working so hard to try to support us and I don't know what I can do to help aside from quitting eating or just not going to doctors and dropping my pills and prescriptions, which isn't exactly a practical solution. At least I'm not taking Advair any more... that seemed like a huge expense at thirty bucks a month, but come January first it would be horrendous - many insurance companies have decided not to cover it any more because symbicort supposedly does the same thing cheaper. But symbicort had me at the cardiologist's office in three months so I had to quit taking it, and then I had my major attack and had to go on Advair for six months. An Advair inhaler is three HUNDRED dollars a pop and they only last 30 days, and it's still under patent so there's no generic alternative in sight for at least a few years. In the meantime, asthma patients are going to get screwed because they HAVE to have their medication. Believe me, I'm hugely grateful that I don't need it any more, and I hope I never do... ventolin's expensive enough!
I really want to go see the Hunger Games double screening, but I'm probably being a lunatic in even trying. I'm in a ton of pain by the time one movie finishes, and I want to do two in a row? We're still going to try to do it... John's still got days worth of PTO to use up and not much time left in the year, and we're not going anywhere for Thanksgiving, so he's taking the 21/22 off instead and we'll go to the movie marathon on Thursday night, and he can rest and recover on Friday. He's going to need as much recovery as I will because sitting hurts his back... I just hope I can get through the night and walk afterward!
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