I hate having these ups and downs.
I wish I could be simply UP all the time… but I think that is part of my “people pleasing” behavior. Being “up” makes me feel like I can take on the world and or do anything else for that matter. I don’t actually like the feel of being “up” but it makes other people happy that I am accomplishing things etc. I typically don’t like to do much, especially now that I have started working. I go to work, come home, and basically turn off any other social interacting with family at hat point, because well, you know, I did my part I went to work and I contributed and now fuck you because I don’t want to deal with your bullshit, leave me the fuck alone. I’m pretty sure the punctuation in the previous comment is way off, but I am ranting and raging right now so. I don’t care. I’m not even going to check my grammar today. I’ll re read it after I finish posting it but, before that, not so much. So lets hope it doesn’t get too ugly....
SO, like I was saying about the ups and downs thing. I much prefer to be down and relaxed. I don’t understand why someone would want to be vibrating with intensity, when you could be turning to a puddle of water laying on your bed. Not sure I can even describe it. The point is..... When I am up, it IS enjoyable. I do like it, but when I come down, I feel like shit, I’m missing something, and I feel like I need that up again because I can’t Function without it… (Just to be clear, I am not talking about drugs, simply mental states) After my up is go and I go back to down mode I feel lacking… But after a few days of, what’s the word, settling into my skin… there’s a word for it I just don’t remember right off the top of my head. It’s like when you go mountain climbing, you have to acclimate your body to he different elevations.. Also it happens with scuba diving… I need a period of adjustment. But other people around me… THEY don’t know I need this adjustment period… so they are clueless as to the actions I take or the reasons why I do things.. so they question question question, and all this REALLY does is send me deeper down faster.. so thank you.
I do enjoy the intensity of a swift decent into the dark, BUT I do realize it is unhealthy to let my metal state get that far gone so quickly. (This is while I am adjusting still) I swing from UP, to DOWN but I go TOO FAR down and I need to climb or swim back up, whichever way you choose to look at it. I prefer to see it as drowning, needing to swim to the surface, having just leapt off a helicopter, into the roiling ocean, straight down like a pencil, descending into darkness, slowing down and stopping, then resting there for a moment, unable to breather, unable to see. Suspended in the depths, thinking, do I want to swim up, or should I just stay down here and drown. Sometimes this decision is hard… but I always choose to swim up (tis the way of life) but there is a fleeting moment right before I make that final push to the surface, that I feel like I am going to inhale the salty water of the ocean because I am unable to hold my breath any longer, my heart pounds, I get nervous, I feel like it is going to happen any second , then I burst through the surface, sucking in air as I push past that final barrier. Exhausting work, so I lie back and float… (this is what it is like after I have adjusted)…
Floating, is existing, passively.
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