I have often thought about the goal setting thing and the reward system that one could put into place for achieving their goals. The problem is, I’m alone and there’s nothing to really reinforce the benefits of achieving the goals, much less reward me for reaching them. I’m the only one that can reward me. Not like I’m going to get a blowjob from my girlfriend for making the Dean’s list or getting all my homework done before Sunday. I don’t even have one of those “girlfriend” things.
Not that I wouldn’t mind having one. It’s just having one right now in the midst of this madness is a bit of a challenge.
Not that I mind a challenge. I just have to pick my challenges better.
I had a number of challenges last semester. And the semester before that. I dealt with them all. It was ridiculously difficult. School, dance, divorce, job. Try juggling all of those over the course of 4 months and see how much of your sanity is left afterwards. Having said that, I think I’ve got quite a lot left, so I need to start working to whittle that down a bit more. So maybe I should get back into the dating game.
My only concern is Summer. Damn, I miss her.
The thing is, she wanted to take things slow. Last time I said something sweet, she said that if I kept it up she might think I’m too sweet for her and to slow it down. I acquiesced of course, because relationships and the speed thing are not my forte. So, every time I text her, I have to measure my words, hold back, and try to subdue myself. Problem is, I don’t want to do that, be myself. Problem is, I probably need to do that, take it slow. So we’ve got two aspects of this rolling around in my head whenever I want to contact her, and it ends up I don’t contact her at all.
I don’t even know if she considers me her boyfriend. I miss her touch, I miss her smile, and the caress that ever so gently goes through my hair as she’s looking into my eyes, and my eyes into hers. But, if she knew all that, I’d be rushing things with my emotions, right?
Men oft say that women are complicated creatures. Well, fuck, we can be complicated asses as well. When a girl is so uncomplicated as that falls into our laps, we try to over analyze it and instead of chilling out, we go overboard in our own minds.
But back to the goals thing: I would like to be rewarded in some way for a good week of work done. I often put myself through some strenuous shit just to make ends meet. I did my taxes the other day and found out I don’t have to suffer too much come April and May- I’ll be able to pay my rent and make a seamless transition to full-time at the Dean’s office. Maybe at the end of the week I’ll go hang out at a club or a bar and reward myself with the company of a beautiful woman for the evening? Not like that- but just talk and some drinks. Or, fuck it, just hang with the guys on the weekend.
Here’s the thing about that: I’m not the guy that does the one-night-stand thing. I’m not too keen on the hookup culture that seems to be going around, so I’m quite counter-culture personality, if personality were measured in the capacity to do that. Notwithstanding, I know at some point, people do that, and have had little regrets in it. So, maybe I would like to experiment with it one day, with someone I know so it’d be a safer deal than with a complete stranger? I’m not sure. I’ve only had sex with one woman my entire life. The culture tells me I should have more to my roster, that there’s something shameful in that. Part of me believes it to be a point of rejoicing, that I’ve only shared myself with one person. Because in some way I guess it shows that I put a value on myself and who I share myself with. Then there’s the other part of me that believes it just naivety, and I need to get more experience in the field- as they say it.
So- sex as a reward at the end of this week? Any takers? Haha.
Notwithstanding, I’m thinking I do need to set up something of a positive reinforcement for getting things done. Its hard to see the long-term, and I need something to keep me going through the short-term. Maybe just a drink at the downtown bar during the weekend. A good blue cheese and garlic steak at this one place downtown in Fullerton would be fantastic. I had it one night and I just died in ecstasy because of it. Sex is different- the girl would probably have an objection to any sort of blue cheese showing up to the occasion. Although,… nevermind.
With that, I think I have something set for the end of the week. I’ll be looking forward to a good steak and a sour cream and onion potato this Friday in Downtown. I’ll probably be eating alone, but I already know the price for taking the path that I’ve taken. It’s going to be a lonely walk to the top, wherever the top might be. I was hoping that there would be others with me, walking it with as much vigor in their stride as I would like to put forth- but I see people falling into complacency in the spots they’re in. Noting the flowers on the side and stationing there, or being taken in by a beautiful woman over there and starting a family. I know what I had to give up to go for it all the way- I’m just wondering what I’ll look like at the end, when I get there. Will I be in this large house with rooms and halls and staircases for days- and an echo throughout them all as the place is occupied only by a single soul- me? Or will I take to a small apartment and never be there because I will prefer to be in the company of others at their homes, or living it up in hotels as I travel and speak at this location, or do signings at that location? The problem with the top is- I have no idea what it looks like. What will I do when I get there? Who will be with me? Who will be lost to me? What will be lost to me? Will I even recognize myself when I get there?
With that said, I’m looking forward to that steak on Friday!
G’night!
Loading comments...