In times past, I would go to a job, and more often than not, just look in the mirror and try to convince myself that I’ve got something to do. I have to pay bills. I have to spend on food. I have to do things. Then I went to school, because a thought entered into my head: I don’t want to be doing these same things over and over, for the rest of my life. I want to do something meaningful. I was married at the time, and it was just the routine life until school came into the picture.
Then things got interesting.
The conversations were distant between my wife and me. I was entering into another world, as she was. I was heading down the route of a writer- and she an artist. She even noted that she couldn’t fall for someone in either field, even if I had experience with art and had a certain amount of passion in it. The marriage was breaking up. I tried to deny myself of it for the longest time, but it was inevitable. I wasn’t the kind of guy that girls like her go for. We just ended up that way because of extreme circumstances. I became a different person, as did she. When we got out, we became who we really wanted to be.
Then I started dancing.
Things got crazy when I started getting accepted by a group of people- dancers. I felt like I belonged somewhere- and I was contributing something important to the current conversation. I wasn’t a good dancer, but I was a passionate one. I was engaging my mind. I was engaging my body. Along with that, I was getting my general education classes taken care of so I might transfer to a Cal State one day.
Fast forward to today.
I’m working for my college and having the entirety of my day at school in some capacity. But it’s cool, because I’m realizing I like doing my job. I don’t have to talk myself up in the mirror every morning to go there. I’m ready to do that every day. It’s not trying to push for a sale of a display or product into a store. It’s not looking to get a profit that you might see at the end of the month a stupid piece of shit perk “lunch” at a mediocre restaurant with people you can hardly get along with because they’re all trying to best you in sales and/or they hate being there as much as you hate being there. What a wasted existence all that shit is. Yet, it’s the way they live, and its the way the grocery stores are run. I don’t like it, but that’s the way it is- my life is on a different path now.
On that note:
When something becomes meaningful, when you see the people you are helping define their future rather than trying to turn a profit, and you look at the mediocre amount you make, and don’t give a damn- the job becomes fun. It’s interesting to see this new kind of world. It has rules and things to adhere to like everything else, but for the majority, we’re helping people find themselves in life. I get a sense of where these kids are going and steer them in the right direction and give them as much assistance in getting there as possible.
Interesting that things should turn out like this. I never thought that I would be so fulfilled in doing something that I’m not too worried about the pay. Yeah, I’m eventually going to need to find another source of income if my tax return doesn’t really get things evened out. Or that other source of income from a defunct HSA doesn’t come through. There are a number of things I can do to get it done, I just need a good chunk of time to really investigate all that can be done and what steps I need to take to secure the funds. I suppose this weekend will be as good a time as any to start working that shit out.
Kinda the same note: I made a promise to myself that I would write in this thing daily, at least 5k words. No limit on the most, but I usually tire out around 10k. Which brings us to my classes. I find myself becoming more engaged in the writing-heavy classes (for obvious reasons), and the classes requiring more of the work with Final Cut or Adobe- things that require knowing your way around programs to make good videos or info-graphics for a website- those things are becoming less of an interest to me. I’ve been really getting into what the comic book world has been going into as of recent, and it’s been a pleasure to see that things are turning up for the sales as well as for the popularity of the comic book culture. We were but a small contingency during the early 80’s and 90’s. Now we’re seeing the younger crowd join our ranks. I found myself writing about my experiences at length during my college writing class.
The question then is: did I choose the wrong major? Was there greater prospects in English Writing for me that loves this shit to death than with video/audio/website production? I hate to be the guy that makes a decision about my life and has a bunch of regrets later on because I wasn’t as passionate about it as I could have been- having skill in it to a greater degree but not much in terms of desire to deliver. Yeah, it’d be cool. It’d be cool to be a brain surgeon. It’d be cool to build rockets. But what I note about those things is the end product- not the road that took me there. With what I am doing here and in writing in general, I can see the path, the progress, the pain and the process I have to go through to be where I need to be. At least where I feel I need to be. I wouldn’t enjoy the road of brain surgery or rockets as much as I’m enjoying this road I’m on right now, I believe. I love this road- even though I’m not all that I can be on it, I know what I’m going to be and the path is just pleasant to be on.
With that, I do have to make disclaimer. Most writing for general audiences will be at low-mid level. I try to keep my grammar in those areas because I want people to understand me for the most part. I could give less than a damn about starting my sentences with “and” or “but”. I will end my sentences with prepositions. I will switch it up with some bullshit phrases and talk in the passive voice because I want some variety. I’m attempting to be an artist with my words, but an artist for the people, not like high language, utterly incomprehensible and totally reprehensible in every aspect and degree. I try to write like I am having a conversation with you, because that’s how we get along in the real world- and with as small a world as we have here on prose, I want to get along with folks here, because you guys know a part of my life that I don’t dare write about anywhere else. Ya’ll have access to the depths of my personality- you might as well know that I can talk to you like human beings.
So If someone wants to be a stickler for grammar, go for it. I’m not on here for grammar though. We like in an age where # has combined words and put numerical values as substitutes for words and the @ symbol has become a staple and hyphens in e-mail are disappearing as well as the original meanings for fax and the land line telephone. What I’m saying is, it’s 2015, and the rules of communication are getting thrown out the window for the better rule of conversation. Conversation’s rule? Do it. Engage your listener. Be engaged as a listener. Fuck the grammar.
Don’t tell my English teachers I said that.
So to recap: I had an interesting day. It made me think about how I might be a contributor to the good of society rather than the sales mentality pariah that I was once part of in all its horrible glory. The money sucks, but I’m part of something fantastic now, and I’m starting to think that this is something along the lines that I would want to be doing with my degree after I’m done with school. Helping people to find themselves and their futures. It gives me a warm feeling inside, like I’m alive in some way again. Before, I felt dead, like I wasn’t helping anyone but myself and some dudes trying to make a dime off of me.
When we talk about grammar, blah. However, I should probably structure these things better because the flow is kinda choppy. I’ve got time- I’ll work on it throughout the semester. I’m not a great writer, I still have things I need to work on just as much as anyone else does.
Correction: I’m not a great writer yet.
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