Cross posted from Open Diary, so apologies if this is a bit dis-jointed or doesn't make much sense! I haven't written at all for so long so I really wanted to get something down!
Hey!
So it’s been quite a really long time! I’ve actually started to write a few entries since me last public one but then I didn’t get round to finishing them and left it to long, I’m never the best at updating and OD isn’t really helping at the moment! I’ve made a prosebox account (I’m hat there too) so I think I’m going to start cross posting my entries there!
I’m not going to attempt to catch up on all the time that I’ve missed so I’m just going to start with recent events! It was Paul’s birthday the week before last and we both had a few days off for it which was really nice, we went to London to the science and natural history museums one day which was so much fun! And then the day after that we spent the day at mine and watched the last 3 harry potter films and ate junk! On the Friday which was Paul’s actual birthday, we didn’t really do a lot in the day but in the evening we went out with his friends for a Chinese and cocktails which was awesome! All his friends and their girlfriends are all so lovely, I didn’t feel like I’d gotten that drunk but I had the most hideous hangover on the Saturday and didn’t get out of bed until 4!
Last week I did 14 hours overtime on top of my normal work week. It wasn’t great but I really need the money, I am still struggling with money and I’m struggling to act like I am. I still spend far too much on food and clothes. I need to sort it out and properly stick to a budget. I really want to be able to get out of my overdraft and build up some savings so that I can afford to go on holiday next year. This year was the first year in my adult life that I’ve not gone abroad and I really missed it, although we were really lucky with our British summer this year, I don’t think I really made the most of it! I’m worried about Christmas as well. There are loads of people I need to buy for and I am going to try to stick to budgets this year but then I feel bad restricting what I spend on other people when I can’t seem to do that for myself!
On Sunday I had a bit of a clean and tidy of the flat whilst Paul was lying in and then we went for a walk at Sandbanks. It was rainy and a windy but it was really fun I really enjoy doing things like with Paul and I love that he doesn’t mind doing selfies with me or that I take pictures of random stuff. I also love that he’s not afraid to look silly (you can see him being a crane in the pictures and he made me skip down part of the beach with him because it’s so much more energy efficient than walking!!) After our walk we went to watch Thor (which I loved) and then we went to his parents for a roast dinner. His family are really nice, we hung out a bit there before going back to mine and watching the heat. I have girl crushes on both Sandra bullock and Melissa McCarthy and I found it really funny! I was really tired by the time it finished though and couldn’t wait to get it to bed! It’s getting quite cold here now, but I am resisting putting the heating on for as long as I can!
I’ve also just asked Andrew if he would mind not talking to me for a bit, he was calling me every couple of weeks on Skype for a catch up and sending me kind of inappropriate messages (telling me that he’d had sex dreams about me or that he’d been self-loving over my instagram pictures). And whilst we get on fine whilst we’re on the phone, it usually makes me feel pretty rubbish for a while afterwards because it brings up all the old feelings for me and it really frustrates me that he feels like he never did anything wrong. Like the fact that I was the one who finally said that we should actually break up and that I’m now with someone that I knew whilst we were together makes the 2 years that he made me feel like poop okay. And the fact that he’s never told me the truth and admitted that he did cheat on me when it was so blatantly obvious, just makes me feel so rubbish because I didn’t even deserve to be told the truth? I don’t know… I still find it really hard to talk about everything and actually express my feelings. I think that all that is part of the reason that I’m struggling with overeating again. I’m bigger than I’ve ever been and I really really want to get my diet and exercise under control but I can seem to do it. I seem to always sabotage myself which is really frustrating, I can’t seem to get my head in the right place lately. I need to borrow some will power from someone! And it’s annoying because I actually really miss exercising but I’m scared of how hard it’s going to be because I’ve let myself get so unfit. I find it hard with doing all the overtime as well, we I get home all I want to do is eat and then sleep and I’m sat on my bum all day at work so it’s not ideal. Andrew was nice about not talking for a while though which was a relief. I worry too much about trying to keep everyone happy I think.
I have some random photos on my phone from between when I last updated and now so I’ll just dump these here, I know I say this all the all the time but I really want to get into the habit of updating more regularly and keeping more up to date with my bookmarks! I’m sorry for being a rubbish reader and an even worse noter lately! I seem to only be able to get online when OD is being moody!
For Amy's birthday we went to an outdoor silent disco. I was kind of dreading it but it was so much fun!
I wrote the above at the beginning of the week and it's now the end of the week so I thought I'd update for this week as well whilst I'm here!
I've done overtime all week so I've been doing 11-12 hour days which hasn't been great, when I finished my shift at 9pm on Monday Paul picked me up and made me fajitas, he also brought me some wintery stuff for my car (like an ice scraper) and an electric blanket because he said that it's his job to keep me warm, even when he's not there. So sweet! Sometimes when I'm being a rubbish compare-y person I get jealous of girls who's boyfriends buy them flowers or jewellery for no reason, but when I'm not being a meaner I realise that it's little things like this that make me feel looked after and thought of and special :)
On wednesday evening I went to watch Jimmy eat world play. I thought they were amazing! Their lyrics are so beautiful and the passion that Jim Adkins sings with.... there were a lot of goosebump moments! Paul was supposed to go with me but he was in a really weird mood so ended up leaving before the support band even came on! Luckily Beth was there with her friend Emma so we stood together and managed to get quite close to the front! It was an awesome night, it was a shame that I couldn't share it with Paul but he took me for a McDonalds when I got home!!
On thursday we both had the day off and had a lazy day topped off with a drive to Weymouth, walk along the beach and fish and chip shop chips!
loads of love hat xxx
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