I've been trapped in a bad mental cycle but it's okay. I am starting to turn off a lot of my brain. At least the part that produces emotion. I can fake it really well. I'm starting to not care again. Oh well. It sounds bad but it isn't nearly as bad as I was as a 15 year old. This is more of a content state. A protective barrier. I just hope it doesn't deepen more than this.
Ashley and I are friends again. I guess if you can call it friendship. I am keeping my distance. Like I've said before. I think she is playing with my head but I can't keep blaming her for how I think. She's not trying to confuse me or anything. It's me. Right? This whole Ashley thing confuses me and I don't even know where to start. She keeps making sexual references towards me. VERY obvious ones. So I don't know what she truly wants. Friends with benefits? I'm done trying to figure shit out. I still feel a type of way about her sleeping with two dudes. I've been hearing alooooot of whore-ish stories/rumors surrounding her. BUT I tell myself we aren't together anymore and we are just friends. I'm not sure how close of friends she wants to even be. I'M DONE WITH THINKING ABOUT IT.
Writing all this down really helps actually. Its like I'm spilling everything that was trapped in my head into Open Diary. Well, it helps a good amount. I've been skipping my workouts and writing a little less so these two things might be amplifying my distress. I need to do my workouts tomorrow. Also read my book. I have at least been eating my protein bars. And I'm writing now.
I have to think less. Blahhhh
Titans lost to an awful team yesterday. The sixers got smacked by the Spurs. Me and Daniel watched it together. We hung out awhile today. He's been having his own woman issues. Even me and Olivia talked about relationship issues. I AM SO TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING RELATED TO RELATIONSHIPS. Damn.
The topic of moving has become more and more frequent in the house hold. As soon as before Christmas? Not sure where the logic is there. Why move before we have to do all the Christmas shit?
I wrote a couple of things into Figment. It felt good. I want to start writing more of a book. I need to learn more about how to write proper dialogue. I have to just keep practicing. Repetition. I honestly believe that, with time and practice, I have what it takes to be a good writer.
I was watching a bunch of new YouTube videos on a new channel I found. It was all about kids, teens, and old people reacting to different pop-culture subjects. It was funny and thought provoking. It was very cool. Sometimes I think I could be a YouTuber. I would have to learn more about computers though. Yijkes. I am more passionate about writing anyway.
I work 1:30-9:30 tomorrow. A good shift. The first couple of hours is usually slow so I only have to work like 3-4 busy hours. Then I can go home at a decent time too. And eight hours!
That should be it I think.
Number 25.
For an all-expense paid, one week vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings? What about stepping on a cockroach?
Yes. Yes I would be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings for a vacation. I hate bugs. Despite the fact that butterflies are beautiful does not change the fact that it is a bug. Kind of metaphorical. I have no problem doing this for a vacation. And by the way butterflies are only beautiful because of their wings. Their faces and bodies or whatever are pretty ugly to be honest.
Yes I would definitely step on a cockroach. No question.
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