I need to write again. I haven’t written in 4.5 months and my anxiety has taken over my life during this time. This will be many short-disconnected paragraph/sentence or phrase clusters just to catch up and get it all out.
Chloe is a great baby. Fantastic. Excellent sleeper/eater. Typically happy and easy going. Very healthy after her initial few days of jaundice. She’s 4.5 months and rolls from belly to back often, back to belly once in a while. She eats oatmeal and sweet potatoes that I have steamed/pureed for her. She drinks 8oz bottles 4 times a day and sleeps about 11-12hrs per night and two good naps during the day with a short cat nap in the evening. She’s smiley and loves to make noises. She just got her ears pierced on the 31st of December and she’s pure joy.
Dogs love the baby. They adjusted right away and are very protective/loving. Unfortunately this means they bark a lot more because they want to protect her from every person driving by and every bird/squirrel in our yard. They also have some time of stomach issue going on and have uncontrollable diarrhea the past 2 days/nights so we have to get up and let them out a ton. Thankfully they “walk themselves” meaning they stay in our yard without us out there for long periods of time.
Work- I hate every moment of it. My principal is a ranging, racist bitch. She curses at us, threatens our jobs daily and even curses at the students. She picks which rules they have to follow and favors most black boys even if they physically harm a teacher. She loves to have kids arrested if she doesn’t like their parents. Of course she hates one of my students so he walks around with a target on his back it seems which means she tortures both of us. She calls to my room on the intercom every hour to make sure he’s in my class. She watches us on cameras walk to and from classes/lunch/computer labs/bathroom and will call me down at least 4 times a week to the office to discuss his behaviors. She throws a fit if his mom calls the office for me or writes a letter for any reason. She loves suspending him and searching him and having his probation officer called down to the school. He’s a C student, no major behavior issues this year (probation from a summer issue), and polite to all adults. My students are emotional/behavior disorders, learning disabled and even more severe intellectual disorder (previously called mentally retarded). I have to have 100% of my students pass their English state test in order to keep my job for sure…. 0% passed a state test since they began taking them in 3rd grade and they are in 7th grade now. My principal could care less, she wants them to all pass.
When Chloe was 6 weeks old I returned to work. The next day I came down with a terrible stomach virus. I ended up on antibiotics and meds for vomiting and diarrhea. Those 3 weeks of recovery included several doctors visits and an ER visit for fluids and tests. They decided collectively that is was a virus that hit me harder and stayed with me longer due to the recent childbirth. After it cleared up, I was good for 2-3 weeks before I began with diarrhea every Sunday night/Monday morning. This increased to a few times a week and would make it so I had to take Imodium in order to work. I am now taking Imodium every 24-48hrs to control my diarrhea. I believe it is anxiety because it hits whenever I am out in public or thinking about work etc. I use to have severe anxiety and was on Effexor XR. I asked the doctor for anxiety meds and they prescribed Lexapro because it’s an “easier transition” despite me having no side effects in the past with the Effexor XR. Well, Lexapro caused me to vomit, be dizzy, shake uncontrollably, be nauseous, and feel numb from my fingers to shoulders. After a week, I stopped taking it and it took about 3 or 4 more days before the side effects went away. I have asked the doctor to put me back on Effexor and I’m still waiting a week later for her to do so. She hasn’t returned my calls despite the 3 times I spoke to a nurse in her office. Her associates do not want to go over her head and prescribe without her consent…..
Tomorrow I return to work. I don’t want to go back because of the stress I know it will create. I am going to call the doctor again tomorrow during my planning period. I am hoping to actually get her to call in the Effexor XR. I need to do something to see if I can limit this diarrhea. Friday night was the last time I took Imodium. I ate normally yesterday and today. I have had 1 normal bowel movement yesterday and none today. I’m waiting for the diarrhea to hit tonight. I know it will because work is tomorrow morning.
I just want to feel normal. I cry because I feel crippled and housebound by my anxiety. I feel sick if I go to Walmart or the grocery store. I know it is anxiety. I just hope that’s the only cause because I really want to have a second baby and we were hoping to get pregnant in July or August of this coming year.
I’m going to work hard to write more frequently. Maybe it will help.
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