January 9 in Never Say Never

Yesterday was a very solid six.

After breakfast but before I dived into what was going to be only a little work, Stephen called. We talked for over an hour, and it was good. It was honest. It was real. It was unpacking. It was closure. As he said, “It was time.”

The relationship was very important to me, but I think he’s right in that we both invested in “the relationship” and not each other as individuals. And lord knows I was more invested in myself than in him. So, yeah. I’ll say it again: What did I think was going to happen? I clearly have no idea how to do the thing called love.

P was here and we went to yoga for an hour. I ate no foods from animals, drank no alcohol, and meditated for 12 minutes. I worked 0 hours. We got pedicures and spent hours and hours and hours talking about our relationships, self-love, and what we want for our lives going forward. I cooked three lovely meals from scratch and built a fire in the fireplace in the evening. It was precious time, and when she left this morning to go home I cried.

And here I am again, alone. I’ve got two more weeks here, and I need them. I am still overly emotional and fragile. This morning anxiety is definitely there. Also, I have GOT to sit and do some work. This month so far has been a bust from a work perspective, and I am going to try very hard to be OK with that. I need to be kind to myself. To treat myself like a little bunny.

I need to give myself space to heal.