She had completely misread what I had told her and really, I just thought that she and I were having just one of our typical open and honest conversations, the kind where I thought that we could exchange ideas, thoughts, and opinions about anything and everything. Those tend to be the best kinds of conversations, because there are no barriers in place and the idea of being afraid to say something simply does not exist. It's an exchange of ideas and feelings.
Free. Open. Liberating. Comfortable. Say what you want. Express yourself. Be real.
If I had made a mistake myself, it was believing that such an open and direct conversation could really be had, even with someone I had regarded as a friend and as someone with whom up until that time, I had developed an especially strong and tight-knit relationship. She made it comfortable. Maybe I had even opened up to her on occasion, sharing things with her that I might have been reluctant to even casually mention around others? Either way, she and I could talk and talk we did.
She had always been somewhat self-conscious about her appearance. Actually, I'd say that she was more than self-conscious. She hated talking about it. It was never something that I believe she wanted to talk about. She often struggled to accept even the smallest of compliments. You see, she never thought that she was attractive, pretty, or even remotely cute and this dates back to when she was younger, even well before I met her. Luckily for her, perhaps, third-party perspective exists and all but proves her wrong. She is attractive, pretty, and cute. Effectively, all the above and then some. But aside from how she looks on the outside, she is a genuinely good person on the inside as well. I suppose some might refer to her as the complete and total package, even if she doesn't.
We were engaged in one of our many conversations at the time, one of those open and seemingly free and comfortable ones. I don't know what we were talking about or even what had led to us talking about her appearance. Specifically and without provocation, I had volunteered my opinion about how I felt about her nose ring. It wasn't one of those unsightly septum rings that seem to have risen in popularity these last few years amongst the female population. It was a small nose ring that hugged the left side of her nose, just above her left nostril. Prior to this particular conversation, I hardly ever noticed it. There were even times when I rarely saw it and had ignored that it was there. It was never a focal point. Until maybe, when I made it one.
My thoughts, at the time, were pretty simple.
"It's okay, I guess. I don't really care for it. She's so much prettier without it".
I may have made the mistake of telling her as much, because I would learn later that my words did not land well, nor as I had initially intended.
At the time we were talking, she seemed to accept my words. She didn't challenge me, make any effort to tell me that I was wrong, or even that she disagreed with my opinion, maybe just a little. The conversation continued and I thought nothing of what I had told her about her nose ring. We eventually parted ways and that conversation ended on its own volition. We would talk again later anyway and we both knew that we would. It was only a matter of time before another conversation would ensue and it did soon enough.
She never made any mention to me about the nose ring, nor of the remarks that I had made about it. To me, that was the end of it. Case closed. Problem solved. Move on, nothing to see here.
For her, it wasn't over.
I found out later that she had taken that part of the conversation and shared it with others, I suppose to vent, but also to gain some additional and possibly more positive third-party perspective. Suddenly, my opinion was now being divulged to others and allowed to be dissected and criticized by other individuals, who were never part of the original conversation that she and I were having in the first place. Why she had to run and seek additional perspective, I'll never know. The one person she should have confronted and otherwise brought her concerns to, she chose to otherwise ignore. So, while she continued to carry with her some intense feelings about what I had said, I never had any reason to think that this was still a "thing".
If I say something that offends you or even if something does not make sense, bring it back to my attention. Let's talk about it. Let's see if we can come to an understanding and see a resolution ensue. Feelings don't have to linger, but when you don't speak up, not even in a timely manner, but never, then things don't get resolved and adverse feelings tend to linger. If I fucked up, I'll own it. But if you don't call me on it, I'm going to think that things are all right. Don't run to other people though. That doesn't solve a damn thing.
I don't want to blame her for what had happened, because in the end, I'll own what I said because clearly I said it. I provided an opinion, albeit an unprovoked one, and apparently a very unpopular one.
She may have been overthinking in this particular situation and I don't criticize her for it. I know that very feeling because I do that very thing myself. I think about stuff all the time. Things can linger. But what I'm not going to do is sit on something, let it irritate and dig a hole in me, and potentially allow it to jeopardize a friendship/relationship/connection.
She was clearly offended, but instead of addressing this discomfort with me, she ran to everyone else, seeking third-party perspective and others' approval. She may have been under the impression that she was being judged, be it fairly or unfairly, and that was never the case. Of course, I wouldn't learn of this until well after the fact.
Regardless of my opinion, it was never my intent to make her change her look. She can wear her nose ring to her heart's content. I have zero say in how she chooses to look. That's entirely her call. She can even go so far as to wear multiple nose rings or piercings, grab a few tattoos, put a rivet in her forehead, get a bolt in her temple, and hell, even get a femur bone through her nose.
She can freely choose how she wishes to accessorize. All I can do is see it, process it in my head, and keep my damn opinions to myself.
I guess, at least for me, sometimes it's best to not say anything at all.
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