Sunday

... feels....

Man... what a week.. I actually wanted to write an entry on wednesday but i wasnt really able to/didnt make time for it.

I dunno where I last left off...last week of febuary I had a week off with my GF.. much needed time tbh.. We didnt really have a lot of time together ever since November. Of course we saw each other, but it wasnt really quality time... we just hung out.. during the week I noticed shes a little off so we talked.. and on sunday she proposed we scedeuled more quality time instead of just hanging out..

Also.. shes still griefing her last relationship.. we kinda got together very shortly after her breakup and we decided to just give it a shot.. it felt right at the time.. of course I didnt pressure her. I gave her a lot of time with initiating intimacy or even kissing.. I was really respectful with her needs, communicated often that theres nothing to worry, nothing to rush.. and she appreciated it a lot.. probably the reason it ended up working out .. If i had pushed her, she would have pushed me away quite early if I had put pressure on her.. 
Welp... long story short, it didnt end up working out. She felt like she needed the time for herself and cant have me arround. Don't get me wrong, I dont wanna blame her, I told her, I'm not angry, I understand its nessecary, I understand it was kinda ... well... dont wanna sound too brutal here.. but it was quite likely to happen TBH.

it still hurts.. she told me so many nice things. How I made her feel happy and desired. How she felt like she was enough and perfect the way she is.. like for the first time in her adult life she felt like she can be herself.. and then in the end she had to push me away to make space for her..

Again.. not blaming her.. I told her when we talked, its not her fault. We both knew the risk, we both decided to try it.. and turns out it didnt work.. for now(?)

I dont know.. who knows whats happening with her and her feelings once she worked through all that... who fkn knows... 

Who knows if I can even convince myself to take her back.. I dont know.. would I even want to do that? commit "again(?)".. man I dont know... why cant life be easy for once... I questioned my ability to be happy with someone else so many times in the last few years... with this one I was kinda sure that shes the one.. and turns out she might not be? like unironically? a few weeks into dating I noticed things.. and I was like.. Does one deal with that? or is that a dealbreaker? I decided to deal with it and work on it with her.. and I was convinced that thats the way.. like no one and no relationship is perfect, so I cant expect something perfect... and ya... in the end.. it didnt work out... for now(?)
I dont know man.. lowkey feel like I do not wanna commit to her again... if she was to ever want to try... like unironically I think shes better off being a friend other than a girlfriend... man I dont know... I hate the situation that I am in.. so much...
soooooooooooo much

and thats not even all.. but I lowkey dont even wanna start..

quickfire round letsgo:

we eliminated one of our executives in training, so more stressful at work bcs "-1"
hobbies are getting more and more consuming of my freetime
I havent had proper hard training sessions in weeks
I havent done cardio in weeks
trying to get back to my (almost) daily walks.. 
should theoretically renovate my house but fucking dont want to anymore "alone" - stress
maybe I'll do it in 2028.. but man I dont want to plan this shit now
gained weight again.. fuckin never gonna get below 110kg
need a suit for a friends wedding (lmao expensive AF)
need to cancel several bookings, holidays and so on now bcs hehe not gonna go there alone
man I dont wanna deal with all this shit...
Was at a womans rights demonstration on the weekend. was a good experience. had some high quality conversations there.. highly appreciated that

and so on and so on....

also I guess I have more time to play PUBG now again... HEH

over

not hiding.... hunting...