around 2009 a new situation occurred, and she had to battle with it for a time, but when situations involve other people it's usually hard to overcome them, since you can't control the other person's mind or feelings. she started losing herself in her full time job, then further losing herself in her part time studies. but this soon begun to take its toll, trying to balance life and time can sometimes be quite difficult. but this was another new lesson for her to learn. like seeing a thing you don't want to be close to and having to succumb to the fact that it must be in your vicinity and you can't move it. it was like a last effort for her to actually decide to commit herself to anything, but commitment soon became a literal waste of time. for mind control wasn't easy beyond her being. she had to conjure a new disposition and then compromise to satisfy. is this what life should be?
two years onwards, and with disappointment, disinterest, and displeasure now being the flavours of existing, her mind became overwhelmed, she needed to get the thoughts out, and that's when enlightenment occurred. she remembered those creative words at the writer's meeting that always seemed to bring comfort to those who penned them. so she wrote her first poem accurately titled 'of pain, of anger' (2011) the piece actually chronicled her distasteful experience reflected in words such as:
"... you wanted me to be like you,
think like you
to do what you preferred me to do
you stole... all desire and emotion,
you stole my will to love..."
these words were a reflection of her thoughts, her mood, her feelings, and all the hurt and pain that blatantly possessed her at that time. and some feelings really do become possessive as time elapses and the effects just keep getting deeper and deeper as expressed in the poem's closing line,
"... for this pain and this anger will forever prevail."
sometimes when a situation hits it can be a total mind and attitude changer, since now her second poetic attempt almost an entire year later was epitomised with these words,
"i will ignore the constancy of living
and shroud my mind in nothingness
...i will take a hiatus from living..." (from: 'a moment of liberty' 2012)
living and being had begun taking it's toll, but according to your initial indoctrinations you must not be overwhelmed by anything, and you must never be saddened or depressed by the world. but there are those like herself who become wise beyond these taught things, those who are soon awakened by a new realisation with an individuality that some consider selfish. however she chose to devour this awakening...
"there is a fierce unrest within my soul
a desire to soar to heights unknown
to rise out of this quicksand which has entrapped me
in the midst of this stark wasteland where only worthless brush and deadly serpents thrive
i must extinguish these flames of stagnation
and rise beyond this firmament of dread and dismay through which i now stumble
fueled by some crude awakening within
i raise my eyes to the stars
i see my redemption
i shall transcend the glory of my innermost desires"
('awakening', 2012)
...
© mvclarke, for much deliberation, March 2026 ️
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