Well, here we are again. Seems like every few years, I end up back here. That’s the fun thing about mental illnesses. You can treat them, notice them, even go into remission, but just like cancer, it never gets cured. Can’t be. I think I understand it better these days. The only cure would be a complete reset of our being. The only way to fix it would be to eliminate all of our memories, reset all of our body chemistry. In essence, become a completely different person. We can’t very well do that, short of catastrophic brain injury and, frankly, that is no safe guarantee. So we treat, we adjust, we try to find ways around it. But we can’t deny it or the effects of it. So, as Whitesnake once said, here I go again on my own.
So I’m not really alone in it, of course. I am back in therapy for the first time in 12 years. Currently it is just 6 free sessions offered through my benefits at Amazon, though I will likely see if I can continue it in some way. We have far too much to cover in just 6 half hour long sessions. Likely, I’ll likely have to find a way to stick with it for the rest of my life, however fleeting that might be. The main goal is to get myself to a point I can go to a doctor an accept whatever I might be told regarding my health. I don’t know if anything is actually majorly wrong, but I suspect something is. As I am right now, I won’t be able to deal with it. I don’t think I would hurt myself in any way, but I don’t know how I will deal with it mentally or emotionally. My parents are both still alive, but my dad is in his 70s now, and my mom is in her 60s and has had a heart attack already. I am divorced and, while I am still on good terms with my ex, I don’t trust her enough to lean on. I really don’t have anyone I trust for that. Nor do I have anyone that close. People get little glimpses here and there, but almost in a clinical way. I analyze, I pontificate, but I never truly reveal how deep or severe the wounds are. Even when I respond to people on here, even if it sounds personal, it is still a detached clinical analysis of myself. I can look at myself completely objectively, which is likely a large part of the problem.
I have managed to somehow detach from my feelings on one hand, and be deeply stuck inside them on the other. Makes it very hard to effect change. To give the short version, I have crippling self-esteem issues. I don’t believe anyone could possibly have a romantic interest in me, despite having been in a 9 year long relationship. Fucked up, huh? Not that there has been any reason outside of that one blip to believe otherwise. I’m not an attractive man, or financially stable, or have anything that would act as a reason to be with me. Of course, everyone I know points out that I am smart, kind, loyal, interesting…all of which mean absolutely nothing without one of those first three things. It does mean I have friends and acquaintances that do enjoy being around me. From people I met at work, friends I have made through hosting trivia, playing and DMing D&D…I have a fair few people that I do believe care about me and would mourn if I were to die…well, will mourn when I die. I can believe people can care about me, but not that they could possibly love me, especially if they knew everything. So I spend most of my free time alone. Hell, I have been alone in my room for almost 2 days straight, only leaving it to use the bathroom and once to make some food. I saw one of my roommates for a minute or two.
So why did I do that and what about work? Well, I used time and skipped work and I did it because, on Monday, I smacked a pothole with my car. I had 3 or 4 mini panic attacks overnight. I would wake up and the second I did, my heart rate would jump and my breathing would quicken. By Tuesday night and Wednesday, things seemed find with the car, but I kept checking fluids, just to be safe. Should be fine, right? Well, Wednesday night, heading to trivia, I get a text from my ex asking, “WTF did you do to my car?” Now, it is worth pointing out that it is her car that I have been borrowing for awhile. The alternator in my car went out almost 2 years ago and I can’t afford another one. The short version of why is that we still share a bank account and I am a dumbass who doesn’t have the balls to fix the situation. Back to present, that has put me in a bit of a tailspin, to be honest. I am afraid to leave the house in the car. Just expecting something to go horribly wrong. So I’ve stayed home and avoided everything. Honestly wish I could just stay here. Bad things only seem to happen when I leave the house and it isn’t nearly balanced out by the little bit of good.
So there we are currently. I’ll likely be back, hopefully more regularly. Just fair warning, I do come off as whiny and bitchy, at least it seems so to me, so if that is something that is going to make you angry or exasperated, this has been your warning for future posts. Of course, I do have quite a few others in my archive, so feel free to browse. Anyway, until next time, feel free to drop a comment. I generally will reply. See y’all later!
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