i'm a fraud.
jk, im just a procrastinator. I haven't made an entry since last year because I:
a) forgot I had this account.
b) was fighting for my life.
i've just been up to a lot. getting an office job, dealing with growing pains, going to therapy (yeah again), dodging a brief stint in the psych ward yada yada yada whatever.
I guess things have somewhat settled down. my job is pretty monotonous. aside from the occasional dipshit on the phone not understanding insurance benefits. or a clinician treating the front office staff like their own personal assistant. granted, that never really gets far with me because I am a major bitch who is also lazy, so I do maybe 20% of what people actually ask me to do.
and no, I am not ashamed of that. did I mention its part time for 18$ an hour w/ zero benefits? ya, not exactly a fortune 500 company so its whatever. also, you'd be surprised how fucking insufferable it is to work with a bunch of therapists. you would think they'd be sane and respectful. level-headed even, if you so please. but nah. they're entitled, pompous assholes just like everyone else; they've just got a bigger vocabulary than you. how queer!
being around middle-aged weirdos all day makes me miss my friends. you know, the young and hip weirdos. we keep in touch despite time differences, but sometimes its lonely. it also highlights how difficult it is to make friends after school ends and you become an adult. everyone my age is either a newlywed bible thumper already buying their first house, or a blooming alcoholic who talks like they just finished getting a lobotomy. I say as I drink a beer alone in my room on a saturday night. but that's besides the point.
aside from that, life is nothing I can't handle. and by me I mean my 15mg of lexapro I take everyday like clockwork. you'd be surprised how chill you get when the only emotion you let yourself feel is indifference. it is freeing. you get a tattoo, and you don't care. you almost get into a car accident, and you don't care. your family does irreversible damage to your perception of them, and you care a little. just a little. but then you fall asleep and wake up and take a pill and forget about it in like an hour and a half. and then you don't care.
i'm also reading house of leaves by mark z. danielewski. I feel like everyone and their mother has read this book and somehow I missed the boat. i've taken time out of my busy work schedule to annotate it at my desk between phone calls and meaningless conversations with my coworkers. so far, it's interesting. I’m not sure I fully understand the scope of it just yet, but then again I think that’s the point. and in all honesty, as someone who spends like 97% of their day trying to make sense out of nonsense, it’s kind of relaxing to read something that makes absolutely zero fucking sense.
much like what you've read just now.
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