I need to get something off my chest…
So? Yesterday I had my final meeting with Joanne. We went over the final paperwork, she gave me my new lanyard, and I officially got my first EVER real job as a Community Support Worker.
But after months of online training and waiting for this moment… It’s finally hit me as I stepped on a landmine that I’ve got a job, and I’m- I’m not sure how I feel.
I’m excited and looking forward to it, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that excitement is buried under a heavy amount of nerves and maybe fear?
I’m scared I won’t be good. Or more realistically, I’m worried that if I do something, I’ll freak out and have a panic attack, and I don’t want to ruin this experience for myself. This is a BIG STEP, coming from the girl who once was terrified to answer phone calls, opening the door to get a delivery and never left the house alone without someone with me.
And sure, I can do all those things now, but… It’s not like I’m completely cured of my social anxiety, I’m pretty sure I’ll always have it, but just… less than before.
I know I’ll probably be fine. And I know this is probably normal and everyone, or most people, experience this, and it’s normal, but I just I don’t know if I couldn’t face myself if I had a panic attack and ruined my first day of work or what if the client they put me with just isn’t right match and that makes me doubt myself more.
What makes this worse is everyone putting pressure on me, and I’m Universal Credit and If I tell them on my next meeting on March 3rd (if I’m not working then) that I’ve got a job It means my Universal credit will stop because I have job and then If I do have panic attack and I absolutely hate the job, or if it becomes too much because of what happens with my sister on top of caring for people like her, I won’t be able leave because I won’t be getting money anymore because my credit would’ve ended and I’d just have stick with it until I find something else.
That… I think is that part that scares me most.
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