What Took You So Long? in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Had dinner with an old friend Saturday night. He finally came out to me and announced that he is gay. Finally. I have known this for years. Well, I have at least thought it for years anyway.

We met about five years ago. It was a friend’s birthday dinner. My best buddy and the BD Girl and I were at a Spanish restaurant waiting for Eddie to show up. In walks this very, very tall guy. Attractive…with a boyish face. I was immediately drawn to him. He said hello. His name was Eddie.

He sat directly across from me at the table. We talked the whole time. I don’t remember anything about the birthday party except Eddie and how he looked at me and how sweet he looked and how soft-spoken he was. He liked me. I liked him.

We had some business stuff in common, so I gave him my card. He called the next day and wanted to take me to lunch or something like that and expressed his liking but that he was nervous about it because he wanted to do business with my company and that it is against the “rules” (and yes, it is actually written up in some “rulebook” somewhere at my company) to have a personal relationship with a vendor that you do direct business with. So he asked his business partner to take over the project that we’d been discussing together! Some shifts were made and, viola! We could go out!

I don’t really remember all that much about the couple of times we went to lunch or dinner or whatever…what I do remember is one night in particular. Eddie and I were talking on the phone, and I happened to mention how much I love champagne, and Eddie said he had some chilling in his fridge, and that I should come over right away!! Now Eddie lived quite a ways away from where I lived at the time, but it made no difference. I was soon off the phone and in my car rushing to Eddie’s place.

Champagne and Eddie…what a combination!!! Well, we had lots of champagne and I was feeling…good. We were talking and watching TV and laughing. I found myself with my head in Eddie’s lap. I wanted him to kiss me. I leaned up….he leaned down…I shut my eyes in one of those “moments” right before kissing someone.

But nothing was happening!!!

I was dumbfounded. I’d never been refused a kiss. At least not one that I was already puckered up for!! A thousand things ran through my mind, and I would say that half of those thoughts revolved around the possibility of Eddie being gay. The other half were thoughts of me not being good enough…attractive enough…funny enough…smart enough for Eddie.

I left Eddie’s apartment drunk on champagne and feeling defeated.

Eddie and I quit hanging out like that. Oh we’d talk on the phone every now and then and have lunch on rare occasions, but our friendship never really blossomed beyond that. We did keep in touch, but never seemed to get closer. Every time we did actually manage to get together, we’d vow to see each other more often only to go for months at a time without hearing from each other.

Sometimes when we’d go out, he’d mention girls he liked…one girl in particular, but then he also add to the story with something like, “She really likes me, and I really like her, but I don’t feel that romantic about her….nothing physical has happened between us yet.” In a way it made me feel better about the fact that I couldn’t get him to kiss me, but it also reinforced my thoughts about him being gay.

I sometimes wished he would come right out and say it. I felt like he was keeping secrets. It was almost obvious. He’d talk about this guy and that guy and even had a “roommate” situation that just seemed way too…intense.

I’m not positive about what made him finally come out to me on Saturday night but it could have been the combination of him turning thirty and the fact that his current boyfriend had just broken up with him, but there he was…nervously getting the courage up to tell me. I knew it was coming, but I let him struggle there just for a few minutes. I don’t know why….maybe I just wanted to see what he was going to say and how he was going to say it. Finally I just said, “Eddie….what took you so long??!!” and gave him a big hug and a kiss.

He then went on to explain. He told me that he was having major inner struggles those years ago when I drunkenly and unsuccessfully positioned myself for a make-out session. He told me that he didn’t want to be gay…that it is a very tough lifestyle and that “…all guys are assholes” and so much harder to date. He said that he really wanted to have the socially “normal” lifestyle with a wife and kids and the works, but that it just wasn’t who he is. At least he was true to himself.

And finally true to me. Quite frankly, I could have continued our relationship the way it was just fine…knowing deep down inside that he’s gay and just won’t admit it to anyone else. That’s his business. But it was as if a weight lifted and that I was someone else he didn’t have to keep this from. I was happy for that…happy that we could move on to a new stage in our relationship.

In fact, after dinner he took me to a couple of his hangouts and I met some of his friends. And we even checked out some guys together at the bar! It’s a little strange to hear Eddie say, “check out this bartender…he’s such a cutie!”

But it’s really not.