I feel a chill in the air coming from Ethan’s direction.
I’m just a little pissed at myself for writing all that stuff about wanting to get to know him before I let anything happen with him, and then the very next time I see him, I lose all self-control. What’s up with that? Best Bud, who’s inquiring mind wanted to know, told me not to beat myself up over such things. Told me I was only getting caught up in the moment and only letting myself feel good for a change. What’s so wrong with that?
Why can’t I just enjoy things without pangs of guilt and regret and confusion?
How can I be having these issues at 34? Aren’t these the things you’re supposed to worry about in your 20s?
I’m supposed to be at an age where I know myself. I know what I want and I know how to get it. Everyone else be damned. I shouldn’t give two shits about Ethan calling or e-mailing or not. About whether he blows me off or not. If he doesn’t want me— goofy nervousness, clumsiness and all—then it’s so his loss.
But I do care. And if he doesn’t want me, then I feel like it’s my loss. Or that I did something wrong or that something was wrong with me.
Take, for example, the conversation that Ethan and I had about boobs. Breast size. We overheard some girl talking about her friend getting a boob job. Ethan asked me if I’d ever thought about getting a new set, and I told him that, no, I was happy with my smallish ta-tas. He said something to the effect of seeing some girl with gigantic boobs, and he didn’t like the look of them when she took off her shirt, so he never called her again!!
Okay. So what do you think I’m thinking right now?? I’m thinking that he didn’t like my body when the clothes came off! I’m thinking that my ass is too big for his tastes. I’m thinking that my hips are too wide. I’m thinking all kinds of stuff.
Because. Remember I was worried about my constant chattering? Yet he still called me back.
Now .he’s seen me nekkid!
I am such a lost cause.
No advice please. I see how my logic is screwed up. But feelings are overriding logic today.
And don’t forget I’ll get over this in a day or so.
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