Ouch. (2) in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

(continued…)

The whole independent thing. Sure, it’s true. I love the fact that I completely take care of myself and that I don’t need anyone. But two major things happened this week to make me realize that I am independent…to a fault. Actually, it’s not really even the independent thing. It’s the façade.

I had my performance appraisal at work this week. And you all know how nervous and worried I was about my job over the last year. Terrified that I wasn’t going to be able to do it all…especially knowing that I had two vacant support positions under me that never got filled. I had originally expressed some concern over the fact that I was one person, doing what is supposed to be a three-person team’s job.

But then I dug into the work. I worked my ass off. I worried. I fretted. I was upset and nervous inside. I was miserable. I tried desperately to get the job done. Yet only being one person, so many things were slipping through the cracks. I worried some more. I worked late hours.

During the ass-reaming that was my appraisal, I told Big Boss all of the above. How upset and worried and nervous I was about the job. And you know what she said??

“Well, you never let it show. You were so cool, calm and collected that I never knew that you were struggling and drowning in your work.”

That independent façade thing. I never wanted her to know that I couldn’t do it all by myself (and yes, I did repeatedly ask for a staff and tools to do the job…I just think that she needed to see me meltdown before changes could be made…and when I didn’t break down, she assumed that I was handling everything).

And then last night’s Ethan episode. Well, it all came together for me then.

I cannot do it all. But I have difficulty coming right out and asking for what I want and need. I put on a front. Everyone naturally assumes that I don’t need any help, any support, anybody. I can completely fend for myself.

I need nothing and NO ONE.

But goddammit. I want. I WANT! I want so desperately to connect. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to go through life ALONE! I know that I can do it if I have to. I would be okay. Sure, stuff slips through the cracks, but I survive.

But I struggle. I’m nervous. I can’t do everything by myself. In work…in love…in life. Nor do I want to do everything by myself.

I’m tired of faking happiness and contentment and utter and complete independence on the outside.

So now. How do I go about asking for and getting what I want and need? I have no idea how to do it. I’m so used to finding out and doing everything for myself. I don’t like to inconvenience people. I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak. I don’t want to upset anyone. I don’t want to depend on anyone.

But I do want to connect.

And this is really painful.