I did end up seeing Ethan last night. He realized that I am leaving town for five days and reconsidered his cancellation late in the afternoon. Nice of him I guess. Honestly, I should never have gone.
Whoa and he was in a feisty mood. Im starting to see his true personality come out now that weve been out a few times. Not sure what I think about it, but I guess I felt the need to match his feistiness. Or something.
Bottle after bottle of wine.
Stupid story after stupid story (mine).
Stupid mistake after stupid mistake (yes, all mine).
He ended up following me home.
I hit a car on the way home. Just a little dent and some scrapes and bruises on my front bumper. No damage to the other womans. I am a dumbass and dont deserve to be so lucky, but I thank the heavens above that I was. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[I know, I know. I have a problem. Not sure what to do about it, but I know I have a problem. More thoughts on that later. Im so scattered right now I cant even think straight.]
Sorta blacked out once home. Ethan and I messed around. From what I remember, it was wild. I think I finally matched his feistiness. He broke a vase. I didnt care. About anything.
I didnt even set my alarm. Woke late and freaked out when I did. Ran back and forth and mumbled, fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK the whole time I got ready. I couldnt find my braits a special one that I need to wear under the dress I threw on (Im at work and not wearing a bra). I fucked some more and basically verbally beat the crap out of myself. Ethan told me to stop being so hard on myself.
Im so embarrassed that I never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever want to see Ethan again. Never. Ever.
I really dont like myself right now.
I think Im going to cry.
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