Reopening Wounds and the Art of Sloth in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

What a waste I’m being this weekend! I’m ashamed. I have hardly accomplished anything. Well besides taking not one, but TWO naps yesterday! I can’t believe that I’m feeling the same old stuff that I felt while LDL and I were together/breaking up a couple of years ago! I mean…when familiar feelings come rushing back, they come with a vengeance. I’m feeling everything from love to confusion to fear to passion to excitement to extreme insecurity. Thing is, I’m overloaded. And the only things my body will let me do are either shut down or break down. I’ve gotten teary-eyed more in the past three days than I have in over a year.

And I broke down in sobs yesterday. Big wet ones. The kind where you have trouble breathing. But damn, I felt such a relief after that. Not an “everything’s alright” relief. Just a “glad I got that out of me” relief.

Only good thing is I’ve lost my appetite. The skinny jeans, they are looking quite splendid I must say. Why must it be that way with me? It must be that I relax or something when I finally start to feel good about myself and I naturally have a voracious appetite. And when I’m feeling quite confused or nervous about things….whee! The weight flies off!

I do know this: if LDL and I were to actually get back together, I would never, ever be relaxed. He is, has, and would always be my biggest source of stress. For whatever reason, he can pull those strings, push those buttons, ring those bells better (?) than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. He is just that way. And that’s why I fell desperately in love with him and that’s why he has such a grip on me and that’s why he causes me so much pain.

Because he makes me feel more emotions than anyone has ever or will ever. Ever. I do love him with a desperation. I adore him. I worship him. I hate him.

He exhausts me. Mentally and physically.

Ugh. Tired again.

But I did manage to get my act together by noon yesterday to meet Super T. for lunch. I was a few minutes late. When I walked in, he was sitting at the front of the place just waiting for me.

WOW!

It must be that I’d forgotten how handsome the guy is or possibly the fact that he was wearing something other than his baseball cap and t-shirt. But he was clean-cut good looking. And very well polished (dressed nicely, neat haircut, etc). Very frat-boyish. Not really the type that usually asks me out. But so cute and sweet that I found him very endearing.

Me, on the other hand, well whatever. I was wearing the skinny jeans (hooray!) and a little, tiny Hollywood tank. My hair was a bit untamed, and I had my groovy sunglasses on.

Even though it was hot out, I wanted to sit on the patio. And I’m not sure he was really into sitting outside, but he did anyway. They turned the misters on, and it was better. The conversation was nice. Nothing very intense or anything. Just pleasant. I was telling him a story about something (I forget), and he reached over and took my sunglasses off so that he could look at my eyes while I talked. I was kind of taken by the move, but it was a sweet gesture.

I was really hoping that he wanted to hang out a little after lunch, but I think he had to do some things, and I really needed to wash my car (should have done that beforehand, but I was too busy sitting at home being slothy), so he hugged me and we both went on our merry ways.

Don’t know if I’ll see him again. But I think I’d like to.

Went home and pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail and went to the carwash. I drove up and told the guy that I didn’t remember what I’d gotten done last time, but he said, “I remember you!” and told me all about the last time I was there….like even down to what I was wearing. Strange. I don’t think I’d been to the carwash in about three months!

Wanted to go out last night to celebrate my friend Stephanie’s birthday. Called her and she told me that she’d call me right back. But damn. She didn’t call back until 10:30 or so, and by that time I was down again and couldn’t pull myself back up.

So there’s another social event that I missed.

Today I got myself up, pulled the hair back again, got the paper, and went to breakfast at my fave café. It’s depressing doing stuff like that by myself, but I simply didn’t want to sit at home (like I’m doing now).

Need to get the butt in gear.

LDL just caught me online. We just talked on the phone for a while. What the fuck am I doing? I really gotta get out of here.

Later….