Consolations/Negotiations in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Talked to LDL for about an hour and a half last night. Not pretty. I feel so awful for him. Mostly for losing his beautiful dog and the way he lost him. But he told me, and I believe him, that you just can’t imagine being held at gunpoint for almost two hours and the things that run through your brain. No. You’re right. I can’t imagine.

He told me that he just knew that I was going to be his dying thought. But then, when it was over and he tried desperately to reach me and couldn’t, he felt like a fool. I was silent. He accused me of being with someone else. That was the only explanation that he could think of….that I was in the arms and bed of someone else. And that’s why I didn’t get his phone calls.

Of course, I was here. Alone. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I simply avoided the first call. But it’s true that I slept right through the others. Still, I felt ashamed by his accusations. It’s true, I wasn’t in bed with someone Sunday night. But of course, I didn’t mention anything about Friday or Saturday nights.

Fucking guilt. No! He’s not my boyfriend. But yes, I do still love him in some fucked up, twisted way.

He said it’s time to have a serious talk about us. Not now. Not tomorrow. But very soon. And this is true. I’m either going to have to finally let go completely or get back in 100%. And I know what happens when I’m in 100%. And that thought scares me.

But please don’t make me say I’m out just yet. The thought of losing a lot of things at once scares me. I’m not quite ready to let go of everything. I’m sure when he finds out that I’m moving and where, it will be the end anyway.

First un-negotiated job offer came yesterday, as promised. It was just about what I expected they would offer. It’s a very decent offer. But of course, I’m going to try to get more. And I know that this company is just a branch of another giant corporation. They’re not going to give me anything. I’m going to have to persuade convincingly.

My first bone of contention is the vacation. A measly two weeks? And then daily increments after five years??! What the hell? I’m going to try for three. Heck, I have FIVE weeks right now. But I can’t possibly use them all. Three would work well for me.

Then there’s the state income tax issue. I’m trying to figure out how to compare. Current vs. what it will be in the new state. This may be a retarded question, but does anyone know how to do this? I looked some stuff up, but it’s not computing in my brain this morning. [sigh] I’m a sad case.

Other stuff I need to figure out include where I’m going to live when I get there. And who’s going to take care of the cat when I travel? Travel will be a much larger part of the new job than my current. I’m so used to having Mom and Dad so close to take care of him.

And damn. Mom and Dad. What am I going to do when they’re not an hour drive away?!

Luckily, my parents are very excited for me. And it’s so obvious that I need this change. A big change. Mom asked yesterday what I would do if my current company counter-offered. I told her that I would tell them to stick it.

She said, “Yep. Time to go.”

Speaking of which. Time to get my sorry ass off this computer and get ready for work! I may be leaving this job, but I better get to it before they fire me!

Hmmmm….there’s a thought.