He wrote:
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2003 22:50:06 -0600
Subject: the heavy
From: MM
To: GS
yea, I’m ok. … aside from me kicking myself around for not calling you last week.
I’m not sure what my deal is, but I’m getting tired of feeling this way. there are so many things I mean to do yet I’m stuttering around. I make lists, sketch out ideas, do research, send out messages, –it seems like I’m putting one foot in front of another. but it feels like I’m stepping on my laces.
work is going ok. at times it feels too much like treading water though. and I’ve been doing this for a long time now. I should probably just bite the bullet and buy another property. it might occupy my mind a little better.
I had a great time with you at the [festival] that day. but I have to admit that I was a little uncomfortable with how it ended. it kinda seemed like you didn’t want to be there, or you didn’t want to appear easy or something. I can’t really pinpoint it. but I felt like I overstepped my bounds. I don’t want to take advantage of you. we had been drinking, etc… what’s your take on this?
sounds like I need a zoloft or something doesn’t it.
-m
She replied:
Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2003 14:35:30 -0800 (PST)
From: GS
Subject: Re: the heavy
To: MM
Hey M,
Thanks a lot for this reply. I’m really happy to hear from you even though you are so down right now. I was really quite worried.
As for the kicking yourself, stop it.
As for the uncomfortableness regarding what happened the other night….well, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I drank too much. I certainly hadn’t intended to get that tipsy. It’s just that I was having such a great time with you. I wish I’d just walked home when I had the chance instead of coming home with you. Don’t get me wrong– I was thrilled to see your place and meet the dog and kiss you and kiss you some more and then some more. That was dreamy. Of course I wanted to be there!
But yes, I kinda freaked when I realized what I was doing. You didn’t overstep your bounds, I think I did. I’m sorry if I was abrupt in telling you that I needed to go home. That was certainly not my intention.
Now. As for the other stuff. It seems you’re on the brink of something. I can tell. I’ve done the tread water thing…but something always seems to come along and lead to great change!
There are a lot more things I could say here, but I don’t want to bore you with a long, sappy e-mail.
I can’t supply you with a zoloft, but perhaps a drink sometime soon? I promise not to get sloshed and pull another stair tumbler like last time. oof.
Whaddya say?
G.
No response as of right now. I don’t know why I pursue this kind of stuff. I think I’m attracted to strugglers. Semi-tortured souls. I so want to pull him out of this slump. And yet…I know deep down, it will suck me in.
I’ve been there before. The small highs and successes could never overcome the deep despair that always seemed to follow. It was one thing after the other. It was utter hell. Why would I want to go back?
Snap out of it, Ginger!
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