First Ramble of the Year. in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I’d like to write a decent entry, but I’m cramping so badly, I’m not sure I’m gonna be able. I think this will be a ramble.

Going to take some Advil or something. Be right back.

I gained 3.5 pounds last week. I would love to say it’s all bloat, but I was a bad, bad girl last week (not to mention last night). Now popping a Xenadrine.

I finally realize that I’m the biggest emotional eater….not necessarily just when I’m depressed, but when charged emotionally in any way. You should have seen me when Super T and I went to dinner that night. I hadn’t seen him in a year and there I was just shoveling food in my face as fast as I possibly could. Half of it was flying through the air and all over the table. He made fun of me because I made a huge mess all over the tablecloth. I couldn’t help myself. I was so unbelievably happy.

I do that with alcohol too. I can be a very sloppy drunk. Why on earth does that make me feel so good? I have photos of myself where I’m insane with glee, makeup completely smeared off, drunk as a skunk. Happy.

Yet the aftermath leaves me so sad. And so does the evidence. Photographic and physical. And that affects the emotional. Nice vicious cycle.

Wow. This was not supposed to be one of those entries.

Steph came over last night and we went to the 5th floor to check out the scene. Julie’s whole family came over. Darling family. AJ and Amy were having a party as well. It was all very civilized, and I think that bothered Steph. I knew she was looking for a big, sloppy, wet kiss at midnight and realized that wasn’t going to happen with this crew. She got “sick”, telling me that she was feeling like she was going to throw up. Told me that she was going to go home. I wonder if she really did. I have the feeling she ended up somewhere else. I hope she made it home okay. I’ll call her this afternoon.

I ended up sort of party hopping.

Played some kind of made-up pictionary with Julie and her fam. They are all artists, and it got very creative. Then hung at AJ and Amy’s on the smokers’ balcony.

Crushed all over Julie’s sister’s best friend. She was beautiful. Had the most voluptuous, curvy body that she wore so well. It was a shame that she was so self-conscious about it, though. Blamed it on baby weight. I told her she was gorgeous.

Was surprised to find out that Matt has a girlfriend. He’s the guy who put me to bed on his couch a couple of weeks ago. He talks about other girls all the time. Come to find out, he’s been hiding this insanely hot woman. She lives in Florida and was visiting. Very standoffish. Acted very much out of our league and sort of looked down her nose at us. Ah well, she’s snagged herself a dermatologist. What does she care about us commoners with our adult acne and our wrinkles? She’s set. He’ll be moving back to Florida in six months to set up his practice. She will make some fine arm candy for Matt. And he will make sure that she stays just as flawless as she already is.

You’re right. I’m jealous.

At midnight, we all wished each other Happy New Year. I got lots of hugs, but no kisses. That’s okay. The hugs felt good. I’ve had a little taste of the touch last week, and I’m all about body contact again. I’d forgotten how good it feels.

I think I was in bed by 1:45. Didn’t sleep so well last night, but stayed in bed until 10. That was kinda nice.

I talked to Friday’s blind date yesterday. He’s back from his bike tour of Chile and Argentina. I’m getting kind of excited to meet him. I hope I haven’t set my expectations too high. I hope he hasn’t either. We talk well on the phone. He told me that he enjoyed our conversation and would like to call me today, too. That’s a good sign, right? I hope he does.

Of course, I’ve heard nothing from Super T. Even after two phone calls and an e-mail chock full of photos. Silence. Typical. Another one I’ve driven away by simply letting my emotions get the best of me.

I wish I wasn’t such a volcano. I wish I could learn to control my damn emotions. Why can’t I just get it all out here instead of blowing up unexpectedly on other people? What can I do?

I don’t want to fuck up any more.

At least I’m not crampy now.

Happy New Year.