As I was lying in bed last night with the covers strewn about, feeling KA breathing in and out on the small of my back, I thought about the fact that Im being a horrible person. I realized that Im using him simply for the fact that hes making me feel better in this time of illness? lonliness? singleness?
But today, in the brightness of daylight (or really, my computer screen) Im starting to understand whats going on here: were really using each other. He knows full well what hes doing. Hes not a naïve, young boy (though he may act like it). Hes a 32-year-old man for crying out loud. And Im playing into his hands just as much as he is mine.
And though hes making me feel good, its not really making me feel better. At all. And now I have to figure out a way to nip this in the bud before it gets completely out of control. We already have this kind of fucked up dynamic working because hes at my mercy with regards to transportation (among other things).
And Im just weirded out by the whole thing. I want out. Now.
In other news, I fear I may have passed The Illness on to Aaron. I havent heard from him since Saturday nights cough-a-thon.
Bleucch. What I thought started out to be an amazing New Year full of possibility is turning into one sick nightmare!
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