A Little Help Here? in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

The following entry is simply more work issues and concerns that I’m trying to work through. If you’re looking for action, adventure and excitement, move on. Nothing to see here.

I had a long conversation with my mom yesterday. In the past few years we’ve started to build a pretty special relationship that I’m really thankful for. Sometimes I don’t like to tell her everything that’s going on in my life because there are a lot of things that I feel she just doesn’t understand. There are many reasons for that and I won’t get into them right now. Maybe sometime later.

Anyway, there are just some days when I feel like I’ve come to the end of my rope and I find myself almost unexpectedly pouring my heart out to her. These moments catch me off guard, and I’m always surprised at how much I actually spill to her. And then I’m always amazed at her insight and wisdom. She has this ability to somehow simplify my issues, break them down into bite-sized pieces, and help me see them from a whole different angle. She doesn’t offer solutions. She just helps clarify the situation and makes me realize that things aren’t as complicated as I have a tendency to make them seem.

Yesterday, as I was telling her of my work woes, she asked me what the worst possible scenario will be when it all plays out. Okay. Suppose I get fired. Big fucking deal, right? I have enough savings now to last me almost a year. Suppose they give me a different position…even a demotion! Well, as long as I’ve expressed to them what I need to get the job done, and I have all the tools to do my job without having to spend nights and weekends here, then it will be okay…for a while anyway. Then what? I can always look for another job, right? Suppose they actually listen to what I have to tell them (yes, we are leading up to a meeting that simply must take place). Then all the better, right? I could actually come out on top here. I could actually get some support. This could actually be a GOOD thing!

Can you tell that I simply cannot stand confrontation? I’ve gotten myself so worked up about it that I think I’m going to actually get fired or demoted! What is up with that? Especially after all I’ve heard about what a great job I’m doing. This is exactly what happened in my last job. After a big promotion with a lot more responsibility and $$$, I started feeling like I was drowning, lost all of my confidence in myself and withdrew. My boss thought that I had everything under control because my exterior was cool, calm and collected. Yet my insides were a complete wreck. And all the while, my job was crumbling through my fingertips.

All of these worries and doubts. My mom helped me work through some of these yesterday. I don’t want to end up like I did in my last job. And because of this, I realize that I need to verbalize many more issues to my boss than I have been. I have to get in front of him and become a squeaky wheel. He needs to know the things that are going on in my world. There’s no way my boss is going to know what’s happening unless I tell him.

I know, all of this probably sounds so obvious to you. But it’s a hard realization for me to deal with. I have the same problems in relationships as well. I’m extremely hard to read. I’m big on peacekeeping and not rocking the boat, and that’s obviously where I run into trouble. Because I suppose I try to cover up leaks and solve them on my own when I know damn well that the problems and issues are bigger than I am. And as I try to cover-up the little rips and tears in one area, it always seems that there are other snags in another area that turn into gigantic holes that don’t get any attention and end up capsizing the whole boat.

Why am I so scared to ask for help? Why do I think I can solve every problem that comes my way all by myself? Who the hell do I think I am? I am only one person. I’m not a superhero. I can’t solve the company’s problems alone. I can’t solve relationship issues by myself. Hell, I can barely even take care of my own petty little details.

Bottom line: I have to explain what my stumbling blocks are. I have to express my concerns. I have to ask for some help.

Boss is on vacation this week. We have a big pow-wow scheduled for March 30th where we will discuss our plans for big change. I have to schedule a meeting to see him before then so he’ll know where I will be able to execute the plans and where I will need some major help.

Step 1: Set up meeting

Step 2: List issues/concerns/problems

Step 3: Actually go through with this

It’s so simple. Why am I so terrified?