Rethinking the Time Thief in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Hello.

Writing entry from brand spanking new laptop. Love her—Sweet ‘Shiba. Looking forward to many entries together.

Week is over, though I have lots to do this weekend, workwise. It’s already almost noon, and I’ve wasted the morning. Hold on—coffee.

Thought about this for most of the morning…

Last nite was weird and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Q and I went out. Had a great time gallery hopping and drinking wine. Love the fact that everyone knows Q. He’s really quite social and charming, yet such an oddball.

Hadn’t let loose in a while and it felt good to let the alcohol take off the jagged edges. Met a woman who’s a fiber artist and does some kind of consulting on the side. Or perhaps the other way around. In any case, she is inviting me to one of her knitting circles. Perhaps I’ll finally figure out how to add seams and shape to my long strands of wool. Would be nice.

Saw some other people too. Jen’s ex-boyfriend. His roomie. Hot DJ. Q didn’t seem thrilled to meet any of them and acted annoyed. I noticed and got us outta there quickly.

The deal: I am absolutely the aggressor in this relationship, and frankly, it’s bumming me out. I ask him out. I take him places. I buy dinner. He does not put out. The most backwards bullshit ever. It’s embarrassing. Guess I have no right to complain. I’ve known it was going to be this way since the beginning of time. But the ego blows are starting to finally, finally get to me. Wish I could just get out now and cut my losses. Wish there was some other distraction out there.

Flirted with a lesbian in front of Q last night. At least she made me feel attractive. Don’t know why (ok, alcohol), but I told her that Q refuses to have sex with me, and she snapped back that Q is obviously gay. We both denied it…if Q is gay, he sure fools me with the way he kisses. But I hope she made Q just the tiniest bit jealous with the things she was saying to me.

The drive back to Q’s was tense. Drunkenly rattled on about how nobody will have sex with me and how unattractive I feel. He shot back with the old, “You could have sex any day of the week..” line. And finally I told him that it wasn’t just really nobody, that it was HIM. He’s the one I want and it pisses me off that I can’t get what I want.

He, of course, knows this and it’s just a sick, sick game that we play. Stupid and humiliating. Why oh WHY do I waste my time? Time thief indeed.

Yes, I do realize that I was fine with the “friends” thing in my last entry. Well, things change. Sometimes suddenly. No, I’m not really fine with it.

Woke on the sofa at 5am—again. Fully clothed (boots included) and sick as a dog. Threw up, ripped off clothes (still on the bathroom floor), and crawled into bed.

Need to get my ass in gear and enjoy the day. Work can wait for a little while longer, and time is precious.