Re: Previous Entry in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

[Written 5/5] I’m setting Julie up with Apprentice Guy because even though I really wanted to kiss him at the time (lonely and drunk), the guy is not for me. He’s younger (27), and hot to trot [did I really just say that?]. He’s looking for a sweet young thang who can match his cocky ways—a witty, successful piece of arm candy. And if anybody can keep him on his toes, it’s Julie. I just think they have a possibility of being a real couple, whereas he and I would only be in it to play with each other. A fun thought, but I’m just not in the mood to do that anymore.

[Written today] I didn’t go out with Julie and Apprentice Guy last night because I had to get ready for my fuggin meeting with Prez., my boss and all of the marketing folk. I wanted to have everything ready by the time I left the office on Wednesday, but Jen asked me to go to dinner with her, so I did. I told her I wasn’t going to stay out long because I had to go home and finish working on my presentation. What did I do? Yes. I stayed out too long and drank too much so I didn’t get anything done Wed. nite….which meant that I had to get everything done last night….which meant that I couldn’t go celebrate Cinqo de Mayo with Julie and App. Guy.

BUT. Through a series of phone calls, I was able to hook them up! Kinda funny…I routed them both in the same direction and got them to the same place, and was able to help them find each other by descriptions. And at one point, when I called App. Guy’s number, Julie answered. Success!

But not so much, really. Because though Julie thought he was hot and all, she also thought he was gay. Which I don’t get. But whatever. And now, he’s called me and he thinks she’s fantastic and wants to see her again. I’m not really good at this part of the matchmaking process. What do I do now?

Speaking of not good, Super T called me late Tuesday night. I don’t answer my phone after 10pm (normally), so I called him back from work yesterday. During our awkward conversation, one of my coworkers came into my office to ask me a question, and she asked me in a whisper who was on the phone. I answered back with, “It’s just my friend, [Super T]”

And he was all in my ear saying, “Your friend? Your FRIEND?”

So I asked, “Well, what do you want me to call you?”

“Your lovaaaaah.”

Right, my falling-asleep-during-sex lover. Nice. Especially when he laughed about it! See what I mean? I’m tired of playing.

So back to dinner Wednesday night with Jen. Something weird happened as we were talking and drinking. We started talking seriously about our directions in life. And she basically came out and told me that I didn’t seem to fit in here. Meaning, in this town. Meaning, that she thinks I would do much better in a bigger city and that I should take all the shit that’s going on at work and the lack of a life that I have here as signs that I’m meant for bigger and better (or at least different) things.

Okay, this is REALLY stupid, and I’m embarrassed to admit this because I’m crying about it all the time in here, but what she said kinda hurt my feelings. As stupid as that is, I felt just a twinge of….I don’t know what. I mean, there I was, bitching about crappy work (and love) stuff, and she practically shouted well then, DO something about it!

And I nodded my head in agreement, but deep down I felt a slap. And it hurt.

But I’m glad she said that instead of patting me on the back and telling me things like…don’t worry, it’ll all work itself out, like so many people will say. Nope. She was all, hey—if you think your job is on the line and you’re not gettin’ any, and you’re really sad about it, then get out there and rock on! Now GO!

I should have hugged and kissed her for that. But then why oh why did I (at the time) really want her to give ME a big hug and kiss and tell me not to go and that I do such a great job and that I’m loved here?

Because I have issues, that’s why.

At least there’s someone out there who sees my frustration and tells it to me straight and believes I can do it.

I have asked for some signs. And, hello!

I’ve had nightmares about having to land the little plane when the pilot has a heart attack. Can you imagine?