What to Expect When You’re Expecting? in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Been needin’ to write an entry. Started a couple times and kind of ditched the effort. I don’t know why…guess things just haven’t been too interesting, even to me. So whatddya gonna do?

Last I wrote, I was getting ready for a quickie to NYC. Besides the one stupid night I spent being stupid (don’t ask, you know the drill by now), it was another fantastic visit. Esp. since I got to see [UA] while I was there. Had dinner together. I wasn’t the greatest company in the world, I know, because I was once again hung over. Surprised? Didn’t think so.

Seeing [UA] basking in the glow of being a new New Yorker made me kind of excited about the prospect of making a move to The City myself. And the great thing is, I’ll be back in a couple of weeks…and I’m going to go to [UA]’s housewarming! So excited! Can’t wait to see her hood and meet everyone else.

Is it weird for me to be checking Craigslist for apartments already?

When I got back from NY, I was so excited to see that a pigeon had made a nest in a planter that I’d left outside of one of my windows. For the last several days, I’ve been checking on the nest. I’d spook the mama when I’d walk over to the window, so she’d fly away to reveal two cracked eggs and two tiny, shaky baby pidgies!

I really started to grow fond of these baby birds, and was even thinking about naming them…until I came home from work the other evening and walked over to check on my babies. I didn’t notice if Mama flew away or if she’d abandoned her nest, but the babies lay lifeless in the planter.

Oh my babies. My poor sweet babybirdies. When I went to get them off the ledge, the planter sort of fell apart and the babies sort of spilled out and I was horrified. I had to pick up their baby bodies with plastic bags, and I could just feel how recently they’d passed because they were still soft. And as I carefully placed plastic bag into plastic bag and then yet another plastic bag, I thought that perhaps they weren’t dead after all. But they were.

I was a little surprised at how sad I got. I mean, the feeling was almost overwhelming for a little while. I guess I was just expecting something, and it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would.

That’s been such a theme in my life lately. I’m such a planner, or maybe the word is expector (??)? I guess my expectations are so concrete and rigid. And when a wrench gets thrown into the works, well damn. I hardly know what to do.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so quick to throw in the towel every time things aren’t going exactly as I expect them to in terms of relationships. Perhaps that’s why I’m thinking of skipping town. Perhaps that’s why I’m looking for new opportunities and fresh starts and why I get so overwhelmingly bummed when a fresh start (baby bird?) doesn’t take off.

Eh. It’s Saturday night. I should be having fun. Jen’s on her way over, but I’m just not that into it tonight. We’re going someplace new. And I don’t really have any expectations.

Could be a good thing? We’ll see.