A List and a Promise in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I’m back. This time from a whirlwind trip to Las Vegas, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. Things that have happened during my time away:

1. Katrina, of course. Astounding work by mother nature. And brutal look at what can happen in her aftermath. Best Bud called me on her way to her vacation to the DR to let me know that they are hosting refugees at their house in Houston. Heartsick can’t even describe. It’s really strange to feel so far away and yet so close. I don’t even know where to begin.

2. Shitty twists and turns on the job front. Again the rumblings. Again the restlessness. My trip to Europe that was supposed to begin on Wednesday (the 7th) was canceled. This is serious, folks. This is actually an integral part of my job…and if these trips go away, so does the job. This forces my hand. I suppose fair warning’s a good thing. Obviously, action must be taken now. My own personal storm is fast approaching.

3. The crazy little flings continue, much to my excitement and dismay. This time it was a sexy hunk of an Australian man I met in Los Angeles. He works for the Aussie government doing secret stuff he couldn’t tell me about. What he could do instead, was sweep me off my feet…literally! We left the bar where we’d accidentally bumped into each other (both of our groups were out for cocktails) and walked over to the Santa Monica pier where we looked out into the dark, black ocean and kissed for a while. Then he picked me up and started to carry me back to our hotel. Oh hot. Oh gorgeous. Oh mah gah. Flings (NOT one-night-stands, mind you) make me feel so good while they’re happening, but so desperately, terribly sad afterwards. Because I seem to meet the most amazing people out on the road. We talk on the phone and email back and forth for a while, the invitations to visit are always extended (this time a trip to Brisbane complete with white water kayaking—he’s an instructor) and then because of geographic proximity and elapsing time, the sizzle inevitably fizzles and there I am, left with a steamy memory but an empty, lonely heart.

4. LDL. Yes, I saw him in San Francisco…even though I said I wasn’t going to. Another really great visit, too. I don’t know what to do about this. I do still feel the love, but I’m also so angry when I see him, and that comes out every time. It’s not fair to keep him hanging on a string, but he sort of does it to me too. Regardless, I’m happy to know he’s still out there. Don’t know for how long, but it’s some kind of strange sense of relief for me. He got me thinking a lot about moving to SF (again), and I got excited about it…again. A while back I wrote about something that I really didn’t want to jinx by expounding upon. Well, that particular “thing” fell through and I was pretty upset about it. It happened to be an opportunity in SF. I’m heartbroken about the whole situation. It would have been absolutely perfect and I wanted it almost desperately. But I’m hoping that something else will open up, be it there, or another one of my favorite cities. Soon.

5. And yes, all of this means there goes the loft. I gotta figure out how to get out of that contract (which I still don’t even have a copy of anyway!). Now that it looks like I’m grounded for a while in my work situation, I should have a little bit of time to find another place to temporarily live around here. Ugh. To move again. Double ugh. Of course, if my job goes away in the next week or so…my hand gets doubly forced. I’m leaning pretty heavily towards SF (#1), NYC (#2), LA (#3). Movement, people!! Exciting and scary! But big bummer about the loft.

5. Tire blow-outs. Don’t know what was happening on the tire front, but I experienced two flats during the week. One on the way to LAX in the rental car. It caused me to miss my original flight into Oakland, but I was able to catch a different flight into SFO, which was better. And the second one was waiting for me on my car which was parked at the airport here in the Great Midwest. Guess that wasn’t a blow-out, but it was quite a sad thing to experience when all I wanted to do was drive home and rest my weary head while curled up next to the cat.

6. Spare tire issues. And I don’t mean the one on the car. I’m fucking flabby. It’s to the point where I can’t take it any longer. Two rock-bottom moments finally happened this past week that have motivated me. The first was with the hard-as-a-rock Aussie who invited me to visit him in Brisbane in October. He told me that he wanted to see me “in shape” when I came down because it would be a week full of intense kayaking, hiking, mountain biking, etc…and I need to be especially fit for that. And the second moment was with LDL, who has recently worked his little bit of excess off and was looking especially fine. I, on the other hand, felt like shit. LDL told me that I didn’t look happy at all and that he could read not only my facial expressions but my body as well. He reminded me of what a workout fanatic I used to be (and I WAS) and how amazing I looked and felt. Now, I didn’t find either one of these comments offensive in the least. I found them motivating. And even though I have myself to blame for getting out of the workout routine, I have finally come to the conclusion that it is routine that I crave. I’m tired of traveling for work well over 50% of the time, and especially tired of using it as an excuse. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of food-medicating. I’ve certainly got my work cut out for me. Not to please anyone, but to get back to the me that I’m happy with and the me who can kick ass.

7. And something that LDL said during our short time together kind of smacked me on the head…it’s nothing new or earth-shattering or anything like that. But he reminded me that I’ve always been the cautious one. I’ve always taken the safe route. I’ve always been so clear and level-headed. And where has it really gotten me? Sure, bigger and better positions within the corporate world, but happy? Not so much. Why do I act like my job is the biggest thing in my life? While talking of natural disasters and terrorism and gas prices and on and on and on, he reminded me that we’re only here for such a brief, brief amount of time and we have to learn to deal. We can either be happy or fucked up about it. And now that I’m thinking about it, even Agent Aussie said basically the same exact thing to me while I was hanging out with him before he had to leave for the airport. I’m obviously oozing unhappiness and worry.

It’s time for changes. Real ones. And I’m not bluffing any more. I’m prepping now. I’ll soon be ready. That’s a guarantee.