Sixty (100 Things) in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I’m more than halfway there!

51. I am a big fan of the chicken cutlet-type inserts that slip inside the bra to make the boobage look bigger. But I’ve had not one, but two incidents that have made me much more careful with them: (1) One slipped out as I bent over to pick something up in the cafeteria at my old job. Luckily nobody was around, so I just scooped the thing up off the floor and tucked it right back in. (2) I was jumping up and down on the dance floor at a Halloween party, right in the middle of a huge circle of friends, when one slipped right out, fell on the floor, and BOUNCED! I swooped down and grabbed it off the floor (once it stopped bouncing), and RAN to the bathroom to die. I debated on just sneaking out of the party, but instead I went back out to the dance floor and took my punishment like a man—a man with prosthetic boobs.

52. Speaking of, I once spent the night with a guy with one arm. I didn’t know he had one arm when we met because he casually had his fake left hand (attached to his prosthetic arm) tucked into his pocket, and a drink in the other, and all was cool. We talked, and talked and talked. He bought me drinks (I can’t remember how he did that), and finally he told me that he’d been in a motorcycle accident—hence the fake arm. I didn’t believe him until he untucked his left hand with his right hand and made me touch it. I adored him. We all decided to go to Best Bud’s house (One-Arm, his friend, Best Bud and me) after we’d hung out all night and even gone to breakfast. One-Arm drove. That was an experience. Even better was when we were making out on the couch, and he couldn’t get comfortable, so he asked if I would mind if he took off his arm. I told him I didn’t mind at all, but when he took it off, it freaked me out. Especially since he threw it on the floor, and it stayed in a bent position, like he was waving hello from the floor.

53. Shortly thereafter, I spent the night with a blind guy. I met him at the lake where I was hanging out with The Boys (a big group of guy friends). When we got back to the lodge, I started talking to a HOT guy who had a gorgeous dog. I honestly don’t remember how long it took for me to figure out that it was his seeing-eye dog. But by that time, I was enamored. We talked and talked and talked. The Boys got bored and left. Hot Blind Guy asked me if I wanted to see his boat, and said sure but that I didn’t feel comfortable with him driving (that’s a joke–his friend was with us). We got on the boat and drank a few beers, and then fell asleep curled around the dog.

54. My beautiful cat who I adore so much was actually a bribe from an ex-boyfriend so that we would stay together longer. It worked…for a while.

55. I was the kid in school that everyone hated. I excelled in everything. I answered all the questions correctly and before anyone else had a chance to answer. When I finally figured out that that kind of shit makes people loathe you, I started playing dumb. Playing dumb really does dumb you down. I sometimes wonder how I would have turned out if I’d stayed oblivious to what other people thought of me.

56. I turned down a chance to see Agent Aussie this weekend in Los Angeles so that I could stay at home and veg.

57. I once drank moonshine out of a mason jar (well okay, we ended up making daiquiris to cut it a bit) with a girl who checked herself into rehab the next day.

58. By the time we got to the hotel near the airport, we were trash. Complete and utter waste. My suitemate and I could barely walk or talk. We were surrounded by huge, muscular football recruits, just brimming with testosterone. I picked one out, just for me. I stared at him until I got his attention. Or maybe, I kissed him until I got his attention. I don’t quite remember how it happened. But the next thing I knew, we were locked in the bathroom together. Don’t forget, I was wearing a skirt. And I was a mess. A pliable noodle of a mess.

59. Right this moment, I’m texting back and forth with The Dude (guy I dated years ago). We are sharing sweet memories, and they’re making me smile. I’m blown away that he remembers everything, from the clothes I wore to comments I made to things he planned out and executed. He’s really quite thoughtful.

60. I’m looking forward to the end of this year. I’m looking forward to a lot of things.