On Not Getting It. At All. in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Crap.

There goes the job at my old company. There’s been a lot of shifting and shuffling of positions there, so one of the main players I’d be working with wanted to interview me over the phone, and I blew the interview. I didn’t know he was going to speaker me with his entire staff, and God knows who else (because he didn’t introduce anyone), and put me on the spot.

Of course, I blanked the whole time. I couldn’t think, and I blabbed my way through the thing.

Stupid me, I’d been banking on this job. Now I have to start over with the job search, because I don’t want to stay here.

Fuck. What happened to me? I’m so pissed at myself. Really angry. So much so that I think I need to re-evaluate my life.

But I can’t right now because I drank too much wine at Aero’s house last night. Aero is a guy I met on the plane trip home from my vacation back in October. He was in Los Angeles buying a plane, and it wasn’t ready yet so he had to fly back commercially. Hence our meeting on the plane. We talked the entire time. He was such a cool guy. Perfect age for me (39), handsome, successful, the works. He told me I should hang out with him sometime because he had a lot of great friends that he loves and he was sure I would too. I guess that meant he wasn’t interested in me, per se, but maybe… And anyway, why not give his circle of friends the once-over? Sure.

So when he sent me an invitation to his weekend-long holiday festivities, I jumped at the chance to go over. It’s a big dinner that happens today, and last night was the dessert and prep night. I went by myself. Though there was nobody there for me (besides Aero), I still had the best time ever. We made pies and apple crisp and drank wine. Then we played foosball and bumper pool in his basement (total bachelor pad). THEN! We went sledding down his street (lots of snow), and then came back inside to sit in front of a roaring fire. Aero flirted a lot with me, you know, walking behind me and putting his hand on the small of my back (my favorite gentleman move), and we were even huggy and touchy and googly, and by the end of the night, I was the last girl standing. It was a bit of a mistake, because I think it was pretty obvious that I was hot for him, but oh well. I’ll make up for it by not showing up at the dinner tonight.

I’m confused about how he might feel about me, but it didn’t hurt that he told me that ALL of his friends told him that I was hot, and he kept telling me that over and over. Oh, and even one of his girl friends tried to kiss me as she was leaving. Now, he told me that he had a lot of lesbian friends, but I know for a fact that she wasn’t one of them. Hm.. maybe she thought that I was?

Our goodnight was weird because he went to get my car for me (I’d parked it down the street at the bottom of the hill because I couldn’t get enough traction in my car to make it up the hill—ice and snow and all). While I was waiting, I confided that I was digging on Aero to his friend. I knew the news would get back to him (how junior high, but oh well). But the friend kinda urged me not to get my hopes up and didn’t really explain. I don’t know. So I started walking down the hill and met him at my car. I thanked him for inviting me. We hugged goodbye and that was that.

I got home at 3 this morning, and it’s almost 2 now, and I just rolled out of bed.

Now I have the blues. I didn’t get the job. I didn’t get the guy. I have to start over.

I feel tired and defeated.