Closed. in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Finally. Finally got the courage Wednesday night to call LDL and have a heart-to-heart about getting some sense of closure. We’d actually gone back and forth over e-mail about the possibility of meeting in Los Angeles next week, and it suddenly seemed clear to me that I could be leading him on (duh?). I guess this has been my way of getting paybacks for all the things he put me through. I mean, our relationship was so screwy waaaaay back when. Every time he’d apologize and tell me how much he wanted me back and would be as good to me as I was to him, it gave me a little sense of just desserts.

But honestly, it was getting a little tiresome. And worrisome. I have no doubt in my mind that it was keeping me from feeling like I could have a relationship with anyone else. And I’m pretty sure I’m ready for that. Really ready.

So we talked. And we cried a little. And in the end, he granted me closure. Like, okay…I want you to be happy, so whatever you need from me to feel like you can move on, I’ll give you.

And it was a good conversation because it didn’t end in tears or anger or anything like that. He just made me promise not to “disappear” like I have a tendency to do when I’m avoiding confrontation. We agreed that we could still speak but that there are no expectations on either of our parts to get back together. We’re both finally free to move on, yet we’d both still like to know each other and be able to pick up the phone or e-mail and say hello.

I wonder if we will.

I wonder if this will ‘do it’ for me. I thought I’d feel a complete sense of freedom and relief and a giant weight would be lifted. But honestly, it doesn’t really feel like that. I’m glad I called and I’m glad we talked about it, but I’m just not sure what closure is supposed to feel like. I certainly don’t feel shiny and new. In fact, I kind of feel like an insensitive jerk. I was being honest, though. For the first time in a long, long, long (ever?) time, I was 100% truthful about my feelings with him.

And he took it and dealt with it in a mature way and gave me the utmost respect and sincerity. And it was good—could that be what closure is? A satisfaction of sorts? Then good….it’s closed.