Lots of shit to do, plus a new boss (whos out on a project today), so I thought Id shirk responsibility and write an update:
First and foremost, Im not pregnant! Ugh. Again, last month was not only a rough one for my ego, I was rough and careless with my body. Why do I abuse myself? Why do I let myself get in stupid, sticky situations? Why did I fling with two different guys, two nights in a row (one involving an accident)? Really. Ive been bad before, but this feels a bit rock-bottomish. Good news is, my visitor came this morningearly, even. For that, Im feeling grateful and strangely, sort of cleansed. Every day is a new one, right? The thing is, when I feel Ive swung the pendulum too far one way, I tend to swing it waaaaay back the other.
Hence, Im back at the gym! Finally, FINALLY got my shit together enough to drag my flabby ass back to the old placethe gym where I really got in good shape. How do I let myself get out of that routine? Well, I know
moving, travel, laziness, etc., etc., etc. None of it is a good excuse, but again, every days a new one, and its been two weeks, and my bodys already thanking me. Seriously, it feels so amazing after a hard, hard sweat. When I do finally get the endorphins kicking, it is almost as much fun as getting drunk (without the guilt!!).
So, lets talk about control issues as it relates to the alcohol. I know I write and I ponder about this a lot (and then I usually go out and get drunk!), but it really is starting to get old. I mean, seriously. Ive said it before and Ill say it again
Im so all or nothing. I have amazing willpower
when I want willpower. Case in point, I gave up smoking for Lent. Havent had a single cig since. But thats cold turkey. Its not like Ive had a puff here and a puff there, because I honestly think if I had, Id be smoking regularly again. What does this mean for the booze? If I know that Im all or nothing
Im black or white
does that mean that I either drink or I dont? But I dont want it that way!! I want a sip here and a buzz therewithout the getting trashed and letting random guys hop in cabs with me back to hotel rooms where accidents are bound to happen. Moderation, yes!! Moderation is the key. But
.fuck! HOW do people do it?! I just dont get it.
Meanwhile, The Homefront continues to be ignored. I have so many plans for my living space, but have you ever been overwhelmed by your own home? Again, Im feeling the cycle repeat, repeat, repeat as Ive moved and moved and moved. I think I know whats going on as I type this out. I want stability. I want to feel grounded. I am craving that balance again, yet Im trying to stave off the craving by flitting this way and that waysome of it legitimate (work n stuff), some of it just to escape having to start projects. I have so many plans in my head! They are simply amazing. What is keeping me from hunkering down and creating a space that Im proud of?
And lastly, at least for today anyway, my love life just completely blows. I have never been in a more bleak place. I am at a point where I am ready to throw my arms in the air and give up. And to think, Ive been saying this for years (and years!), and I keep thinking things are going to get better. And I even pray for things to get better. And the answer that I always hear back is that the best is saved for last. And yet
when?! When is last? When I fix my issues? When I get back in shape? When I stop being a slobbering drunk? When Im 80?! I know, I know
everyone always says that love has a way of finding you when you stop looking for it. But
(again)
FUCK! Ive tried and Ive not tried and Ive gone round and round and round in my brain as to what could possibly be so fucked up with me. And the more I do, I guess, the crazier I get. So there. Thats obviously whats wrong with me. Im waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too wrapped up in this. Im far too all or nothing for love to come my way right now. How in the world do I come to a happy medium in this regard? It certainly isnt in flings, and it certainly isnt in trying to get my not-yet-divorced neighbor to fall in love with me. But please, please, please
wont some kind of answer please come to me?!
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