You Poke It, You Own It in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Been meaning to update for days now…just haven’t had the time or energy to do so. And now it’s Sunday evening. I’ve been hanging round the homestead all weekend. I guess it’s keeping me out of trouble, and I think that’s a good thing at this point.

Was in New York again this week. Pretty good trip, and of course, I got to see [CN] and [onegin] and meet some new friends. But the suck thing about the trip was that I also got to see Mac (a friend from Chicago I’d met way back who was in town for a meeting), but by the time he showed, I was piss drunk. The drunk thing took me off guard because I was trying to be good with the alcohol intake. And I was pretty good, except for the fact that I’d barely eaten anything all day, which seemed to increase the potency of my wine a hundred-fold.

Odd too, that [CN] and I had just been talking about the whole drunken night we’d had the last time I’d been in NY. Yeah, the Betsey Johnson night. It was like ridin’ the Drunk Train and only looking out the window every so often. Sure, the ride is fun, but you miss so much!

I hate the missing part!! I want to experience everything…and I especially want to remember everything.

That said, I didn’t miss a lot over the weekend, though it wasn’t rip-roaring. Does that matter? I’m not really sure.

Saw AtH (Nabe) on Friday night. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks, and I figured, fuck it…I’m going to stop playing the game—the ball’s in his court so I can’t call him kind of thing—I’m just going to ring him up. So I did. And he wanted me to meet him for dinner. Was really nice, and I didn’t drink at all. We talked about everything under the sun, and though I still feel that chemical pang for him, I think I’m finally starting to feel the “just friends” vibe. It makes me a little sad, but what must be, must be.

He told me on Friday that yes indeed, the divorce is finally final. I know, he’s said it before, but this time he says it’s for real and sort of breathed a visible sigh of relief. And I believe him.

Then I saw him again on Saturday at the pool. I kept my lily white bod under the canopy of the cabana, and when he walked under the tarp, we said hello. He’d been wearing a water shirt, and lifted one of the sleeves to see how much sun he was getting when I spotted the beginnings of a beautiful, colorful tattoo. I curiously lifted his sleeve to get a better look, only to reveal the biggest, juiciest, most lush tat that read “[2nd ex-wife] LOVES [AtH] FOREVER” in a style kind of like this (of course, not the “broken heart”…maybe he’ll put that on the other arm):

Yeah. Well. He seemed kind of, I don’t know, about it…but whatever. I now see how crazy in love he must’ve been with her. I mean, like REALLY loopy about their love, and it sort of made me take a step back and realize that the guy really does need to get himself together before he can move on. Seriously.

Can you imagine? Lustfully falling into bed with the guy? I don’t think I could get past that tattoo screaming at me. It was weird, and the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I got. And he seemed a little squeamy about my step back, so he kind of excused himself and left the pool area shortly thereafter.

And later I thought…damn. How could I ever get squishy in love with the guy when there’s a constant reminder of how so, so, so much he loved this other woman. And yes, I know things change all the time. All the more reason not to make a permanent ode to a particular person—ON YOUR BODY!

Hell, write it down in a diary or something, but don’t etch it into your skin!

Enough?

Let’s see, what other exciting things? Oh yeah, cleaned out my closet! It is like a Barbie dream closet now. I pulled no less than 30 items with the tags still on them that are going to the consignment store at some point. Man, I am the worst at buying stuff in exotic locations only to bring them home and realize that the shit just doesn’t work here…there, or anywhere!

And today I talked my mom and pops into coming here so that we could see A Prairie Home Companion movie. It has special meaning to my fam because we lived in Minnesota when the show started (32 years ago), and have listened ever since. That show was always a part of our Saturday evenings for as long as I can remember. I remember hating it as a kid, then tolerating (through my high school years), then never listening for years and years, and falling in love with it in my 20s and 30s. It’s such a nostalgic thing for me, and that’s why I liked it. But I can’t imagine anyone who isn’t familiar with the radio show enjoying this movie.

Was good to have a mellow, drunk-free weekend. I worked out fairly hardcore, and though I’m still nowhere close to where I want to be weight-wise, I’m just barely starting to feel the slightest difference in my clothes. I think I’m about back down to where I was last 4th of July…which is better than a few weeks ago, but I also remember being self-consciously uncomfortable.

Oh wow. I just went back through my photos and found some pix from last year’s 4th of July trip to Vegas. Scarrrrryyy! I thought about posting a couple, but really—what happens there…and all that. Whew.

I don’t know if there’s any way I can top that this year. Perhaps I should start plotting?