Baby Blue.* in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I don’t really understand how when I start out a conversation with such good intentions, all hell breaks loose. I guess it’s just that I’ve never been able to verbalize the things that swirl in my brain very eloquently at all. You’d think I’d get better with practice. I guess it’s sorta true…I have to give fairly impromptu presentations quite frequently at work. But this whole dealing with emotions crap really gets me stuttery and twisty and then I tend to barf out whole other issues that I hadn’t even intended.

Last night was weird. I felt scolded, patronized, and belittled when he told me that his kids come first (as the girlfriend of a man who has children, I simply say “duh”). So I basically went into hysterics and so much stuff came out…stuff that surprised even me.

See, he doesn’t want any more kids. And that’s fine and that’s his decision. But I’m feeling very, very serious about Grrrr. And this relationship is pretty much forcing my hand on the whole idea of me having children. Bottom line, if we remain together, I will be childless. Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s just a thing that I haven’t had to think very seriously about until now.

So now I’m forced with a choice—stay with him and never have kids. Or move on to someone else who may or may not want children either…or maybe I might never find anyone to partner with. Do I take that risk? Not to mention the risk of staying with Grrr maybe for a few years (wishful thinking, even?) and then breaking up.

So after a couple of glasses of wine last night, I bawled. And told him that I was going to have to make a choice, and just the thought of having to make that choice was freaking me out. And I cried and cried…and he held me until I calmed down and could talk rationally. We put a movie on and both fell asleep.

This morning seemed okay. Grrrr asked if I felt depressed, and I told him that I was but that I’d get over it. We had a nice few minutes of talking with each other and he walked me out to my car as I headed out for work—just one of his sweet gestures (like my kissing him on the cheek and giving him his wake-up coffee)…and all seemed well, like I said, okay.

But as I was leaving, we kissed, I looked him in the eyes and said, “Baby….”

And before I could say any more, he said, “…me too.”

And we both sadly left it at that.

My thoughts on having a baby? I honestly don’t know. I’ve never really felt the biological URGE—until, strangely, recently. And I think it might have a little bit to do with the fact that I’m with a man who is a father. A sensitive and loving father (I know, he’s not with his kids right now, but he was the primary caregiver for the first years of his kids’ lives—long story). And the way he is when we are around children makes my heart ache. He’s smiley and sweet and looks at other kids longingly, and it breaks my heart and makes me feel so much love for him all at once…and I feel almost like deep down he wants more kids—at one time he even said he’d love to have more (he even wondered aloud once what he thought “our” kids might look like). And that gives me the faintest twinge of the baby urge.

But then in the next breath he says that he doesn’t want any more kids. And that he wants to get snipped. And then I’m tortured. Because..fuck..make up your mind!!! I will say that more often than not he will say the he absolutely does NOT want any more kids (it’s that sneaky little stuff that really, really gets to me—like talking about how much he loved his babies when they were teeny-tiny and pointing out little baby quirks and even sharing parenting tips with me…arrrrrggghhh!)

I know I’d be okay to never have children—if I was with a partner who didn’t want kids, didn’t have kids and wanted to devote time to childless travel and adventure and whatever the hell goals we set together.

But it really is torturous to be with someone who says one thing but whose actions say something else. It’s confusing and painful and feels almost cruel. And I’m not allowed to be envious of the fact that he’s had that life experience and I might not ever get to experience the procreation thing.

And yes, I know that adoption is always an option. In fact, at one time it was my preferred option. But I’m feeling so confused and exceptionally emotional and I’m really struggling with everything regarding children right now: my age, Grrrr’s kids, his attitude, mine, our relationship and on and on my brain swirls.

* funny how this all came about because I didn’t really want to hang with kids on our romantic vacation, eh?