Updates on Various: in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Car Balk: My commute to and from work has gotten quite insane. Since the beginning of the year, they have closed a whole bunch of lanes on the highway that I use. This construction isn’t supposed to be complete until July. JULY!! So in the meantime, my commute is now close to an hour going to work and TWO hours coming home (the construction is worse going home, plus a normal day at the office starts at around 7:30am and ends at around 5:30pm. Not only do I loathe sitting in traffic, but this fucking road is a tollway!! I PAY for this shit! I’m trying to figure out some kind of meditation I can do while gassing and breaking so that I won’t get so completely irate on the way home from work in the evenings. So far, I haven’t found anything. And the cops frown on drinking while driving.

(speaking of drinking) Boss Party Pants: Has gone a little bit off the deep end. I still think she’s a super cool big boss and all. She does amazing work. But her actions are becoming more and more bizarre. Do you remember how I prayed to make it through one of my two-week around-the-world trips because I felt like I was getting drug and alcohol poisoning? And I was shaky by the time I was half way through the trip? Well. She seems to be in “shaky travel mode” at all times (especially now when we’re not even traveling). I’m a bit concerned. For her AND for me. She and I are traveling together next month. We will be spending 10 days together in Sydney and Tokyo. Then, if I make it out of that leg alive, I will be headed to Barcelona and then on to London before heading home. Will I live? Will I die? Will I be drunk/drugged the whole time? Stay tuned.

Other Work News: There are new players in the mix. I’ve lost one of my counterparts, and I’m pretty sad about that. Her replacement came in at a much higher level, and I wonder how long she’ll stay in this job (I think it’s a placeholder for her—at least that’s what my direct boss thinks). We are also interviewing for a new administrative assistant. We had to let the other one go for being koo-koo. Oh, the stories I could tell about the overly-emotional aging ex-stripper and her funky snap-on hair extensions.

Weight: Thin as I’ve ever been since…something like junior high. It’s kinda weird. I like my weight. I know you’re not supposed to go by numbers, but the number just sounds soooo sweet to my ears (or rather, looks unbelievable on the scale!) clothes fit me amazingly well (well, the clothing that I have in my new size), I am getting attention—I can feel it. I know I’m not too skinny. But I really don’t want to lose ANY more weight. Because then I really would be too skinny. But the thing that I am not so unhappy with is the fact that I’m pushin’ 40, and the skin just isn’t as elastic as it once was. I love my upper bod (including my little boobies), but I’m not so much liking my bootie, and the backs of my thighs. I feel ugly when I look at myself from behind, and even though Grrrrrr is very quick to point out my shortcomings, I think he’s being extremely tight-lipped about this because I’m pretty sure he knows I’d go into a raging tailspin (no pun intended). Even still

Man oh Man!: Still very much in looooove! I am head over heels, and he makes me incredibly happy. But there’s still this niggling insecurity with me. I’m afraid I’m now giving off a vibe. Do we do that? Give off a vibe like a scent or something? Is it detected? Do others take advantage of that? I hate that power struggles exist in relationships. I wish I could just ignore it. Or settle into it or whatever. I mean, I think about Best Bud. She is the incredibly outrageous, outgoing one. She is the leader and wears the pants in our relationship. And I accept that and even love that about her. How long is it going to take for Grrrr and me to settle in and relax? Maybe after his kids and ex come to visit? Maybe after I let go of some of my jealousy issues (that I’m trying soooo hard to swallow and conceal). Maybe after I give up trying to control the situation? Relationships are supposed to be FUN!! And I will tell you over and over again that we do have so much fun when we’re together. And it is true. But I do find myself waking up in the middle of the night just thinking about stuff. Worry. Where is this going? Is it going to last? Will his kids like me? Will he miss me when I leave for two weeks? Will he still be there when I get back? How can I relax and enjoy?

I just went back and re-read my birthday entry, and I think I need to take some of my own advice. Risk-taking can be very, very good. I’m going to stop being scared. Starting now (even if I have to re-read and re-read and re-read, dammit!!)