And Then the Ball…. in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

…drops.

Or the rug unravels. Or something.

Will somebody please help me out with this one? I don’t think I’m coming across to Grrrrrr like he needs to hear it. And it means the end of us if I can’t clarify. I mean it. The death of our relationship. And I’m heartsick.

It’s the kids.

Grrrrrr has been doing the best he can since his kids left a little over a week ago. He talks to them daily, and sometimes they cry. I guess a lot. It breaks his heart over and over and he’s wracked with so much guilt that it’s physically painful for me to witness.

But he’s always testing me with what ifs about the kids coming back on a regular basis and even before he does, he thinks I am going to have a problem with it for a couple of reasons. One is because of the time I told him that I wanted to take the cruise that we are taking in July as a couple (the way we’d planned it) and not with the kids (a question thrown completely out of left field when his ex-wife started having conflicts with the summer plans with the kids). Another is because he had an evil stepmother who pushed him to the side in favor of her own kids.

Don’t get me wrong, I fell in love with those kids (see previous entry), but I’d also like to be able to plan our lives in a way that would include them on regular intervals to give everyone something to look forward to (and plan for!), but also account for our couple time.

And that’s fine and good. But the way it’s coming out of my mouth makes me sound like the bad guy. The wicked stepmother. The selfish bitch.

And the only thing I can figure is that he’s so ready for me to have a problem that he anticipates it and then the ONLY way I can react is defensively.

I look like an ass because I don’t say, “I support you in such a way that I absolutely vow to drop everything when your kids are having any kind of issue so that they can come stay with us for ‘x’ amount of time—anytime, anywhere. Period.”

And again, don’t get me wrong—when the kids are hurting or if Grrrrr is hurting and he needs to see his kids, I’m ALLL for them seeing each other. I’m all for dropping everything in times of emergency (and I know there will be times of emergency)—if we even get that far.

But Grrrrrrr is so convinced that I’m going to be like his stepmother. And I’m NOT HER!!!!!!

And the last issue that he keeps pushing over and over and over and over again is the fact that he doesn’t want to have any more children. And the very fact that he keeps telling me this practically on a daily basis makes me feel backed into a corner and reinforces the fact that I don’t have much time left and I better do something.

And we’re going to break up over this.

And I feel like I’m dying a little.

I adore this man. I love and accept his children. He doesn’t seem to believe me. I’m confused over my own baby-making issues….

Are we doomed?

I’m welcoming all responses.