Not Giving Up in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Well. First things first, I have to thank everyone who noted me yesterday and today (publicly and privately). I normally don’t want to use my diary to solicit advice, but yesterday I almost cracked. Okay, I did actually crack. See, I had some alone time in my car yesterday between meetings, and I used it to the fullest by letting my head explode. I got back to the office and just could not go on until I wrote that entry.

And then notes started rolling in. And they all resonated with me in one way or another. I had some eye-opening moments, and I was really touched. And I need to say thank you again for helping me see things from an outside perspective. It was exactly what I needed.

And the notes still keep coming!

When Grrrrr got home last night, we kissed hello and then we both just looked at each other. He noticed my eyes were red and swollen from crying, and he said, “Okay. Let’s talk. That’s how we work through these things.”

[That’s one of the things that I love soooo much about Grrrrrr—his willingness and ability to talk through issues…and the way he gets me to open up. Nobody’s ever been so good with me. Nobody’s ever wanted to really work through the really tricky stuff. And I’m not the one to bring things up…that’s one of my weak spots]

And he started. He told me that he’d had a lot of time to think about things while he was out driving (he traveled 9 hours yesterday for three meetings), and he put himself in my shoes, and he said that he could see how hard it must be for me…that I am truly suffering in my own right.

But he also again explained to me how excruciating it is for him—and he added even more detail about how hard it was before he moved back to the US and how it’s even harder now, and combine that with a manipulative ex-wife who’s feeding his fears and a girlfriend who is not willing to tell him that she understands that the children are first priority.

I get it.

In order for this relationship to work, it does have to be about the kids first. That’s a simple fact. Couple time. All of our plans. Everything. Everything must be worked around the kids. [Including our wedding date—which we’re trying to figure out!]

And he doesn’t want any more children. That’s a fact, too (even though I still feel a waver in his voice every time he says it—it’s guilt and fear that’s keeping him from wanting more—he freely admits this).

So. I can either like it or lump it. It is my choice. I can stay or I can go.

Grrrrr says (again) that he’ll help me work through my feelings and decisions if I want him to. He’ll go to therapy, marriage classes, whatever it takes…if that’s what I want.

He will work as hard as I do to make our relationship work, if I want him to.

And that’s the thing.

If he weren’t willing to help me through my own issues, it would be so easy to say, fuck it. I’m out. But he gives me support and he wants to work for this. And that gives me the glimmer of hope and the willingness to make compromises (BIG ones!) for him.

The rest of the evening wasn’t the easiest in the world. We still have so much to work on. He tried to make me laugh when I wasn’t quite ready (oh man, do I feel like a jackass about that—laughter would have been such good medicine at that very moment). We got as far as hand-holding on the sofa while watching TV, and I got the most sincere I-Love-You at bedtime.

And this morning we both woke happy. We joked (finally the laughter). We hugged goodbye. And when I got to my car this morning (he doesn’t usually leave before I do), he’d left the sweetest note.

Lots to do. Lots to think about. But when the man you love tells you that he only wants your happiness…that he wants the last thought you have at the end of your days to be: yeah, I had a REALLY good time!! Well, that’s the kind of guy I want to be with.

It helps that his kids are pretty cool.

I’m not giving up yet.