Of Dreams and Fears in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Last night I dreamt that I took a peek at Grrrrrrr’s computer screen as it was sitting on my dressing table (which we sometimes use as a desk), and my OD “favorites” page was up and in full view. I remember feeling surprised but not completely shocked since my last boyfriend found my diary too, albeit a different diary (but HE had stuff to worry about—Grrrrrrr does not, and I wouldn’t feel like I betrayed him in any way if he found my diary—he knows about my questions and my fears regarding our relationship, and he knows how I feel about him).

The dream was so real that I remembered it while I was taking my shower this morning and reminded myself to see if the computer screen was still on when I got out of the shower. It wasn’t. And if it really wasn’t a dream we would have talked about it this morning during our early morning chat. PLUS…the only way he’d be able to be on my favorites page is if he knew my password too.

But whoa, what a dream!

I didn’t sleep well last night. This is becoming an issue with me. I have no problem getting to sleep—sometimes can’t even make it to 10pm! It’s the staying asleep thing that is troublesome. I will usually wake at around 2am (I hear the clock chime), and I will lie in bed and think about all kinds of things: work stuff, kid stuff, relationship stuff, and now wedding stuff, party stuff, bills, money, boss issues, the fact that I should be asleep, you name it, I think about it. And it’s so weird because the stuff that seems to keep me awake in the middle of the night feels like it’s the most life-or-death pressing issue in the world, but in the light of morning, seems frivolous—or at least less important. I don’t know. I worry waaaaaaaaay too much and it’s so unproductive and exhausting. What can I do to help ease my anxieties? I so want to relax and enjoy this time in my life. Why am I a born worrier? It is agony. And I feel it seeping from my pores.

Can people see this? Feel this? I tend to hide behind a wall of aloofness (is this a word), and it’s gotten me pretty far, but it just feels sooooo….UGH on the inside.

I was gonna write the engagement story, but it doesn’t seem right to attach it to this entry, so I’ll make it separate. I can’t post photos of the ring yet because I sent it back for some adjusting. Well, I could post the “before” pix, but I don’t want to because it doesn’t feel like the real ring.

I’m kind of embarrassed to write this entry because I should be feeling on top of the world and like a total princess right now. Maybe I will be more comfortable when the ring is back on my finger (weird that the symbol of a ring can actually make me feel a little more secure).

I just want peace and I know that it’s simply ME that’s keeping ME from being deliriously happy. What a shame.

I’m going to do an experiment on myself tonight. If it works, I’ll report back. If it doesn’t, then I might just be a lost cause….