Itchin’ in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

It’s been the week beyond hell, and I’m not even sure what that could be…what is worse than hell?

Work has been kicking my ass and I don’t feel like my boss thinks I’m quite up to par right now. And it’s so frustrating because I’ve fallen into that trap of themoreyoudotheworseitis….bullshit. I’ve been feeling frazzled and down this week in a major way.

Grrr came to visit me at work one of those days because I left my phone at home because a transformer exploded in our building leaving certain lofts powerless (ours being one), and I had to go upstairs to the gym to take a shower and get ready for work. It was pitch dark when I went back inside the loft to say goodbye to Grrrr, and I left in such a tizzy that I didn’t even realize that I had Grrrr’s wallet in my purse and when I went to call him, my phone wasn’t there.

So I called him when I finally got to the office and told him that I had his wallet and asked him if he wanted to join me for lunch (my treat) at the office if he could bring my phone up and we could do the switcheroo.

It was really nice. I love it when he visits me for lunch because he gets really interested in hearing about the office gossip while we sit at a table in the cafeteria and point out who’s cheating on whom and who is a flaming royal bitch, etc. etc….

But then we started talking about ME and my job and my boss and yada yada, and Grrrrr goes into his critical shit that I guess he considers advice (knowing full well that what he’s about to say is going to hurt my feelings). And it comes down to him asking me if I’m actually DOING my job. And uhg. If you’ve been following along at all, you know how sensitive I am about my job. And I tried soooooo hard not to even LOOK hurt or down or anything. But I have the worst poker face, and he knew I was hurt. And what does he do when he knows he’s hurt my feelings? Puts it all back on me. Don’t get me started on that.

Because the strain was there all week. And I guess it came to a head tonight. See, I’m leaving on Sunday for 16 days—another one of my marathon trips. And I know how dumb I get when I travel. And because I’ve been so on-edge this week I wanted tonight of all nights to be a little special between Grrrrr and me. Tomorrow I have errands and laundry and packing to do on top of two parties tomorrow night and Sunday is more of the same….and my flight leaves at 5:15, so there goes most of Sunday.

And then I’m gone for a while.

And while most say that’s good, I’m not so great with it. I am so insecure right now. It hurts so much to write it and say it. I don’t feel myself and I’m scared I’m going to lose my job and this relationship and I suck, suck, suck.

I know it’s not true and if I could just get back over some of those hurdles things would be fine, but right now all I can do is watch my life spiral for a while.

And the worst thing about tonight is, Grrrrr was completely bracing himself for a fight. Like he was just waiting for something to happen. So when I took offense to a little backhanded swat (complement), he was all, “I knew we were going to get into an argument tonight…I cold just feel it in the air…”

Which only made things so very much worse.

And now here we are. He is sleeping in bed beside me while I stew and fume and he knows that’s exactly what I’m doing and it KILLS me. KILLLLLLSSS me.

Why can’t I just not give a shit?

I know, I know. I still need to do a photo entry. Sue me. Perhaps when I’m overseas? We’ll see.

P.S. I’ve been stress eating. And eating like shit. I’ve gained a couple pounds and am freaking. FUH-reaking!!! I have ordered my wedding dress in a size 2…and we all know that wedding dresses run small. Hmmmm. Perhaps there won’t even BE a wedding and I’ll end up a size 22!! Can’t wait to see what happens next, can you?!