Back in the office after what seems like a bazillion years of business trips. I still love my travel, but this is ridiculous! You know, I am still trying to post photos from the Alaska cruise back in July it seems like yesterday. If I werent so busy Id be really distressed about how quickly things are spinning.
**Disclaimer** below are a few paragraphs about feeling overwhelmed with things and how I dont feel quite right with the world around me (and Grrrr plays a major role in my world). Please dont tell me whats wrong with Grrrr. The issues are mine. I hold them in my head, heart, and hands. Let me work through this on these pages. You are only getting my side of the story. I want Grrrrrr in my life right now. Will I marry him? That remains to be seen. We are still engaged, and I like being able to have a long engagement while we work through our issues. I love him very, very much. When things are good they are amazing. When things are not good, it sometimes feels like the end of the world, and I struggle with that. He should not be the source of my happiness and I cant make him make me happy. It is MY responsibility. And if that ultimately means I have to let him go in order to make myself happy, then so be it. But for now, I want to be with him. If you think Im miserable, its only because I pour the miserable things out here. I rarely write about the joy because I am too busy enjoying it to sit down and write, ya know? I should do that I need to do that in order to gain more perspective. But for now, this is my therapy, and its all I have the energy to write out.
Finally made an appointment with a new therapist who specializes in anxiety, self-esteem and couples therapy. Its next Friday. I dont know if I can wait that long, and I am crossing my fingers that this will help me work through some of the issues of feeling quite overwhelmed lately. Grrrrr and I had a discussion this morning before leaving for work about how pouty Ive become but Ill tell you something: its not that Im being a pouty babyits that when I tell him the things that are bothering me he tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up and get over it.
So I stifle things when he asks me whats bothering me now. I dont feel like telling him about all the shit thats going down at work because hell just ask me if Im really doing my job and tell me to stop being such a whiner. He told me that Ive taken his comments out of context, but Im glad that I let him know that I feel I have to keep my stuff inside. I think I surprised him. Good.
He did tell me that I have too much a need for constant positive feedback, and you know what? Its true. I thrive on praise. It makes me BETTER. I hunger for it and strive for more and more and more. Is that insecurity? I dont know. Maybe the new therapist can help shed some light on that. But it is truethe more they like me, the better I do.
The problem is when Im not feeling quite top-of-game. Sometimes it feels like when I get knocked around a few times its so much harder to get up. And lately it feels like Im being kicked when Im down. Isnt it so much easier to pick yourself up when someone is on the sidelines encouraging you? Saying YOU CAN DO IT!!! Not telling you to suck it up and get over yourself and get on with it? Right?
Tough love simply doesnt work for me. Maybe it does for others. Maybe it does for everyone else in the whole wide world. But not for me.
Anyway. I better go for now. I have a meeting that I need to prepare for, and its not going to prepare itselfso theres potential for another falling-down and Im just not up for that today.
I cant seem to come on here and finish a thought. There is so much more I want to write but I keep running out of time and energy and .maybe its privacy that Im craving/missing so much. I was used to spending so much time alone. I cant remember the last time I was alone. I guess I truly am a loner at heart. Ugh. This is boring.
Did I tell you that we moved?
More soon (I hope).
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