Christmas in Germany–Part 4 in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Part 4 in a series about my Christmas vacation in Germany with my fiancé, his kids, and “The Exes”.

…And In Conclusion…

So yes, as I’ve said in the last few entries, Christmas in Germany was much, much better/smoother/saner than I expected. Not to say there weren’t any bumps in the road…it was just all-around less traumatic than I’d led myself to believe it would be.

Daughter did end up feeling better. She rallied from her flu…well enough for her to go with us to museums and into the city center (another time…this time so I could actually get some shopping in when the stores were open) and she even got to spend the night with us in our little apartment during the rest of our stay.

Son was such a little doll. He loved having me around, but started doing something that really made me stop in my tracks every time he did it—he started calling me “mommy” again. He’d done this at the verrrrrrry end of our first visit (when they came to the US to see us), and it was such an incredible feeling when he first did this, and it felt good again on this trip, but it’s unsettling when he calls me that in front of his own mama.

He kind of alternates calling me mommy and then the German word for “stepmother”, and it doesn’t seem to bother the X too much…but to be honest, I can’t look at her when he says it. TFMS asked me how I feel about it, and I told him that as sweet as I think it is, it makes me a little uncomfortable when he says it in front of X, and he agreed but didn’t really give me any kind of advice or anything. I’m sure he thinks that Son and I will figure it out when we know each other a little better. And I’m glad he’s not saying anything one way or the other.

And I was nervous about not getting to spend enough time with Daughter in the beginning, but I think we really made up for lost time when she started feeling better. TFMS makes sure that we have our “girl time” when we’re out doing things. And I was having such a good time giving her some special treatment (as well as getting some special treatment from her!). For example, I’d gotten us both a pair of those silly socks that have the toes in them and I gave them to her when we were back in our apartment (after all of the Christmas celebrations), and she wanted some special playtime—just me and her, when we were back at the X House.

I so hope that I’ve made good impressions with the kids. I know it’s hard being a continent away, but I really do want to be a special part of their lives and not just Daddy’s wife. I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to do that yet, but it truly is something that I’m striving for, and I hope that TFMS can see that. As much as I bitch about having to spend time with the X and her husband, I realize that it will be necessary for both of us (ALL of us) sometimes, and I’m feeling much more positive about the thought of that. Not in LOVE with that thought, mind you, but OKAY with that thought. Sort of. Oy.

Now. As far as “ME time” on this trip, TFMS was sooooooo incredibly good about checking in with me and making sure that I was keeping my sanity. And I was actually able to garner some time alone with my thoughts as well as my body through running. There was a trail literally outside of our apartment door. We were staying at the edge of a river, and there happened to be an amazing and beautiful trail that followed the water for miles and miles and miles. I was so excited to be able to keep up with my Nike+ challenge while I was away from home!

The trail was cool. Literally. I would wake up earlier than anyone (while it was still dark) and put on my layers of running garb and try to sneak out of the apartment without waking anyone. I’d usually wake up Son, but he’d fall back to sleep until I returned. But the run was quite interesting…I could either go one way along the river over towards some shipyards and past a Japanese garden and some playgrounds and then up through a beautiful neighborhood of townhouses and down around a shopping area and back to the apartment, OR I could run the other direction past a shopping mall and down around a wooden ship and through another neighborhood of gorgeous riverfront houses and then through a meadow and back.

It was cold and gloomy and misty every morning. I can see why TFMS wanted to come back to the US after living there for 14 years. It’s depressing when it’s so gloomy outside, but I met each morning with a murky mixture of gratuity, excitement (what an adventure!), and melancholy. I did a lot of thinking…knowing that these were the trails where TFMS and X used to take their babies for walks, but also grateful that TFMS wanted to share this experience with me. So I ran for exercise and I ran for peace of mind and I ran for the challenge and I ran to have my “me time”. It worked out okay.

But I was not 100% perfect on this trip, nor was TFMS, and we did get into a couple of tense situations, but I guess considering that I was bracing for a million tense situations, a couple was pretty good, hm? I guess. I feel shitty about those couple of situations because I feel like it was me being immature and uber-sensitive, but whatever. Don’t I get to be sensitive? Immature is another thing. Let’s chalk it up to experience.

And here’s some really good news….I didn’t get drunk and make an ass of myself. Not once. I consider that a real success! Seriously. Especially considering that drinking was the only way I got through the last visit!

Anyway, before we knew it, our time was up and it was time to go home. We had one last breakfast at the X House, and that was the only time when I saw TFMS get into a little tiff with X (over some financial stuff…which was almost to be expected and if truth be told, I’d have to side with X on the matter, but shhhhhhhhh.).

Saying goodbye was hard for TFMS (even harder for Daughter, who gets extremely emotional about her daddy going away), but we kept it breezy and quick because TFMS had to spend time mending the fence with X, which made our timing to the airport kinda tight. TFMS said he’d make up the time on the autobahn (and he did!), and before we knew it, we were making the reverse trip home.

I have to tell you, I was soooooo happy to get home. But honestly, I was really happy that we took this trip together. I love my fiancé. I dig his kids. And the situation is even better knowing that his X and her husband are cordial and gracious, and so is the rest of her family.

I consider myself very lucky.