Today is Valentines Day. I want some things. Do you know what I want to give myself for Valentines Day?
I want to give myself the gift of security with an extra added dose of self-esteem. I have always been kind of insecure. Mostly on the inside. I think the earlier pages of this diary reflect a very in-control kind of person. Perhaps it was just writing things down that helped me pretend to be more secure. But even the pretending was reassuring. Because sometimes when you pretend/act you reinforce those qualities and you begin to feel that way.
I have a confession: I have been so insanely insecure lately that I stand a good chance of losing my relationship. It has been out of control and Im terrified right now. My fiance is seething with anger as I type this and the worst part of it all is the IRONY of it all is that I was trying to be sweet and good and affectionate and make him happy.
OH MY GOD I am ashamed and embarrassed and horrified.
What is wrong with me? What can I do? What can I do? Look at me! I look like a freak right now? Who would want to be in a relationship with a FREAK?
Calm down. See. This is the thing. I want to be calm and in control of myself and I want to make myself happy so that I can be this wonderful, calm, secure, self-assured person. For myself and anyone else who happens to be standing in my path.
I want to be proud of myself. I want to feel pretty again. I want to kick ass and take names. I want to have this super-positive inner dialogue that will always be there to assure me that things are fine and no matter what happens, ILL BE FINE. I can take care of myself. I dont NEEEEEED someone to do things for me and make me feel secure and happy. I only need to make myself a good person for myself and THEN I can move on to others.
I want to fall in love with myself all over again. I am me. Not just ½ of a couple. I want to be strong and dignified and sophisticated and calm and loving and lovable. I want to be able to say that I am truly a good person. I am good to myself. I can treat myself and not depend on others to boost my self esteem.
I should make this entry private, but Im not going to. I need to get it out there that this is something I desperately need to work onNOW. Or I stand to lose more than just my dignity. I know its in there. Even if I have to fake it for a while. I know shes there. I miss her.
Happy Valentines Day to me. I don’t need roses. I don’t need candy. I need a good dose of Ginger Snap (that sounds ridiculous, I know…but I do miss the girl who could fake it or make it up and actually surprise herself in the end. I gotta get my Snap back!!!)
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