I started this yesterday
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your fears may be running rampant as the Moon grows full in your sign. Unfortunately, you may not have a say in the timing. Certain issues can take on a life of their own now. There are serious concerns to work through, yet they seem to present themselves at inopportune times. No matter what, just go with the flow. Deal with everything the best you can and don’t look back.
Okay, but I can’t help but look back. I’ve been backtracking here poring over entries, trying to find a sign that will tell me that the EX-MrSnap and I should be together. The closest things that I can find are the most recent entries where we’re excited about the future and the possibilities and even the talk of creating our own family.
The rest of the stuff is, well, honestly such a shaky mess. I mean, sure. I wrote entries when I was trying to work stuff out in my brain. And yes, there were amazingly good times in between those insecure, confused entries. But today it seems like much of what I did in my entries was to try to convince myself that we are right and good together.
Perhaps anonynoters are sometimes right???
I don’t know. I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know! I know that we had our disagreements whether we were drinking or not. It would be sooooo much easier if I could say that it was purely booze and a BIG blowup that ended it all. But it’s not cut and dried like that. The relationship bar has been shifted so many times. Who’d have known when he’d snap? Or perhaps it would have been me? Or..oh hell, I have no idea.
Fact of the matter is, we were doing sooooooooo well. I thought! I really, really KNEW (in my brain and heart and soul) that we were doing good and right and it was alllllllll gonna be okay. We were getting married, I was going to become a wife and a stepmother and possibly even a mother. My parents LOVED him (still do, of course, up to a point), and my friends thought he was great (for the most partlong story/ies).
Still not ready to write out the actual “event” or whatever. Shit, it’s all sooooooooooooo sucky and weird and shocking.
I am vacillating wildly between deep, deep sorrow, confusion, anger, helplessness, embarrassment, guilt, fear, disbelief, etc. etc. etc. Haven’t even GOTTEN to the depression stuff yet. Oh, please don’t let it happen…please!!! Nothing worse than a depressed, relationship-scarred, 40-year-old, pathetic single woman.
WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! God, self-pity is just so…yucky.
Top that off with weird pregnancy symptoms, and it’s time for a Target run for preg test and more wine. I’m kidding about the wine stuff, you know (there’s still some in the fridge).
This blows harder than anything that’s ever been blown.
Wonder what the future holds .hmmmm, Horoscope??
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