I have had breakups before, but never like this. In the past, I’d seen signs. In fact, I always knew for sure what was coming, so I either braced myself or I softened the blow. Neither party was ever taken off guard.
This time I feel duped. Thrown for a loop. Completely out of control and inconsolable. Lost and alone (though not really, my friends are spectacular and my parents are angels from heaven, and the ODers have come to my rescue and for that I will forever be indebted…so many gifts you give me). Still, I am preferring to be alone, right or wrong.
I still LOVE him with a desperation that’s beyond words. I know I can’t contact him any more. I won’t. This I promise because I know that it’s dangerous to do so.
I know that there is more out there. I know that there is much work to be done. I know I will live to see another day.
But I’m asking, begging for a REASON. My GOD, it’s so unbelievable and such a shock to my brain and heart and soul.
How can this POSSIBLY be????
I’ve always known that he was capable of up and leaving if things got too tough for him to handle. Case in point: leaving his kids in Germany and coming back to the US. He’s told me that he can block things out as a survival method. I have no doubt that he is not even taking this very badly…he will move on and be fine because he has built up this self-preservation shell around him.
And let’s not forget that he’s charming and witty and good looking.
He’ll be fine. I’m sure he won’t mourn.
I, on the other hand, feel like something has died. Only not really because I can SEE this wretched THING happening online. He’s online right now as I type.
(OK. I just clicked out of the website. I must promise myself not to look for at least the rest of the night.)
I have wasted an entire DAY with this. I have clicked and clicked and every time I do, it just gets more nauseating. I haven’t eaten anything today…I don’t think I’ve ever done that.
This was the nail in the coffin. Yes, something has died.
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